The Sad Bad Tale Of The Old Odd Dog by John Rice

A dog went hunting sausages

For breakfast last Christmas week,

His ears were pink, his teeth were blunt

And he’d elastoplast on his cheek

 

His legs were Chinese chopsticks

His tail made of chewing gum.

He wore roller skates and a T-shirt

With a frying pan stuck to his bum.

 

This dog spoke many languages

Including German, Dutch and French –

He could fly a plane with his eyes shut

Or sit cross-legged on a bench.

 

But this old dog was not so lucky

When winter came around;

They sawed off his chopstick legs for firewood

Leaving him far too close to the ground.

 

The stumpy bits left proved useless

When trying to cross the street –

His chewing gum tail got stuck to the road

And now he’s Kennomeat.

 

by John Rice

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Snowflake Souffle by X. J. Kennedy

Snowflake souffle,

Snowflake souffle

Makes a lip-smacking lunch

On an ice-cold day.

 

You take seven snowflakes,

You break seven eggs,

And you stir it seven times

With your two hind legs.

 

Bake it in an igloo,

Throw it on a plate,

And slice off a slice

With a rusty ice-skate.

 

by X. J. Kennedy

There Was A Pop Singer Called Fred by Max Fatchen

There was a pop singer called Fred

Who sang through the top of his head.

It came as a blow

When the notes were too low

So he sang through his toe-nails instead.

 

by Max Fatchen

Mary Mary Makebelieve by Jean Kenward

Mary Mary Makebelieve

kept a dragon up her sleeve:

when she’d been despatched to bed,

gave it supper, so she said.

 

‘Oh,’ her Dad and Mum would cry,

‘Mary! What a dreadful lie!’

Nothing she could say or do

would persuade them it was true.

 

Mary Mary Makebelieve

posted titbits up her sleeve:

anything that she could find,

crusts, and bits of bacon rind,

 

Anything that it would take –

buttered toast and birthday cake.

And that dragon grew and grew…

as you might expect it to.

 

Strong, it grew, and even stronger.

She could cover it no longer,

for it simply poked its head

through her jersey. Things were said.

 

‘Mary! What is that you’ve got?

It’s a DRAGON, is it not?

We don’t want such creatures here.

Make it – make it disappear.’

 

Mary tried… but Mary couldn’t.

(Was it, do you think, she WOULDN’T?)

Anyway, the dragon stayed

making everyone dismayed.

 

Till, at last, they all agreed

it was REAL. Then, indeed,

it rose, and slashed the roof, and rent

a ragged gap, and ROARED, and WENT.

 

Mary Mary Makebelieve

keeps a hanky up her sleeve,

now. She is discreet and shy.

Only, sometimes, in her eye

 

You can see a sort of green

shimmer, such as might have been

if a dragon were about.

 

One day, she might let it out.

 

by Jean Kenward

Aunty Joan by Derek Stuart

When Aunty Joan became a phone,

She sat there not saying a thing.

The doctor said, shaking his head,

‘You’ll just have to give her a ring.’

 

We had a try, but got no reply.

The tone was always engaged.

‘She’s just being silly,’ said Uncle Billy,

Slamming down the receiver enraged.

 

‘Alas, I fear,’ said the engineer,

Who was called in to inspect her,

‘I’ve got no choice. She’s lost her voice.

I shall have to disconnect her.’

 

The phone gave a ring. ‘You’ll do no such thing,’

Said Aunty’s voice on the line.

‘I like being a phone. Just leave me alone,

Or else I’ll dial nine-nine-nine!’

 

by Derek Stuart