Wellington Grape by Derek Stuart

Wellington Grape was a very odd shape.

He had a triangular head.

His body was square. He had luminous hair.

His eyes were flame-coloured red.

 

‘I can’t help it,’ he said,

From his four post bed,

‘I look so exceedingly queer.

But my future’ll be fine

As a road traffic sign

Or an advert for bottles of beer.’

 

by Derek Stuart

Electric Fred by Derek Stuart

Electric Fred has wires in his head

And one hundred watt light bulbs for eyes,

Which means, of course, he can talk in morse

Or flash, red, white and blue with surprise.

 

Just for a lark, he can shoot a spark

For three hundred feet out of his nose.

Wear rubber bands, if you shake his hands,

Or the current will tingle in your toes.

 

Sometimes he chews a fifteen amp fuse,

Or recharges himself via the fire.

Just give him jolts of thousands of volts

And you’ll find he’s a really live wire!

 

by Derek Stuart

Aunty Joan by Derek Stuart

When Aunty Joan became a phone,

She sat there not saying a thing.

The doctor said, shaking his head,

‘You’ll just have to give her a ring.’

 

We had a try, but got no reply.

The tone was always engaged.

‘She’s just being silly,’ said Uncle Billy,

Slamming down the receiver enraged.

 

‘Alas, I fear,’ said the engineer,

Who was called in to inspect her,

‘I’ve got no choice. She’s lost her voice.

I shall have to disconnect her.’

 

The phone gave a ring. ‘You’ll do no such thing,’

Said Aunty’s voice on the line.

‘I like being a phone. Just leave me alone,

Or else I’ll dial nine-nine-nine!’

 

by Derek Stuart

The Sick Young Dragon by Derek Stuart

‘What can I do?’ young dragon cried.

‘Although I’ve simply tried and tried,

It doesn’t matter how hard I blow,

I can not get my fire to go!’

‘Open your mouth!’ his mother said.

‘It’s no wonder!’ Your throat’s not red.

Your scales are cold. You must be ill.

I think you must have caught a chill.’

The doctor came. He looked and said,

‘You’ll need a day or two in bed.

Your temperature’s down. No doubt,

That’s the reason your fire’s gone out.

Just drink this petrol. Chew these nails.

They’ll help you to warm up your scales.

Just take it easy. Watch TV

You’ll soon be right as rain, you’ll see.’

Young dragon did as he was told

And soon his scales stopped feeling cold.

Hee sneezed some sparks. His face glowed bright.

He coughed and set the sheets alight.

‘Oh dear!’ he cried. ‘I’ve burnt the bed!’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ his mother said.

‘Those sheets were old. Go out and play.

Just watch where you breathe fire today!’

by Derek Stuart