I’ve Got A Dog As Thin As A Rail by Anon

I’ve got a dog as thin as a rail,

He’s got fleas all over his tail;

Every time his tail goes flop

The fleas on the bottom all hop to the top.

 

by Anon

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The Sad Bad Tale Of The Old Odd Dog by John Rice

A dog went hunting sausages

For breakfast last Christmas week,

His ears were pink, his teeth were blunt

And he’d elastoplast on his cheek

 

His legs were Chinese chopsticks

His tail made of chewing gum.

He wore roller skates and a T-shirt

With a frying pan stuck to his bum.

 

This dog spoke many languages

Including German, Dutch and French –

He could fly a plane with his eyes shut

Or sit cross-legged on a bench.

 

But this old dog was not so lucky

When winter came around;

They sawed off his chopstick legs for firewood

Leaving him far too close to the ground.

 

The stumpy bits left proved useless

When trying to cross the street –

His chewing gum tail got stuck to the road

And now he’s Kennomeat.

 

by John Rice

Shaggy Doggerel by Eric Finney

Sir Fitz, gallant knight,

Rides over the plain

Wearly now, in darkness and rain.

His day has been full

Of incredible deeds;

A hot bath and bed

Are now just what he needs.

He’s not brought his mac,

And water’s got in at the front

And the back.

Lem, his horse, is exhausted –

He’s a great weight is Sir –

And he hardly responds

To the touch of the spur.

But look! Far ahead

There’s the sight of a light –

For Fitz and his gee gee

A right welcome sight.

‘It’s a castle!’ cries Fitz,

‘One last effort, old nag,

Think of warm stables,

And hay in a bag!’

Soon the drawbridge is lowered,

The portcullis grinds up,

And our heroes plod in

For a bite and a sup.

Can you picture their faces,

Can you see their dismay

When they’re told

By the Lord of the place

They can’t stay?

Sir Fitz, it appears,

Who kills rogues by the dozen,

Has knocked off, amongst them,

The Lord’s second cousin.

‘Besides,’ growls the Lord.

If you want further reason,

We’re full up with tourists

This time of season.’

‘We’re both whacked,’ pleads Sir Fitz,

‘And old Lem’s got a cough.’

But the Lord of the castle again says,

‘Push off.’

‘At least,’ says Sir Fitz

With desperate force,

‘Let old Lem stay with you,

And give me a fresh horse.’

‘We’ve no horses to spare:

None to lend, none to flog;

I’ll tell you what, though,

I can find you a dog.’

‘A dog to ride out on!’ snorts Fitz,

‘Funny joke!’

‘Not at all,’ roars the Lord,

Laughter making him choke.

And the servants bring on,

At his word, a huge cur –

A mean-looking creature

with coarse ginger fur,

Cross-eyed and lop-sided,

Face fixed in a leer,

With a stump for a tail

And only one ear.

‘Well, Sir Fitz,’ says the Lord,

‘Doggy’s raring to go;

Saddle up and get mounted.’

Fitz’s answer came slow:

‘What’s a stupid suggestion;

I’m not going – that’s flat.

You can’t send a knight out

On a dog like that.’

 

by Eric Finney

I Saw A Mouse Set Cheese Traps by Mike Harding

I saw a mouse set cheese traps

One morning after tea.

A fly read the flypaper

And though it seemed strange to me,

A cat burglar was stealing dogs

And right across the street

A lollipop man was being licked

From his head down to his feet.

by Mike Harding

Happiness Week: Wednesday

Remember, although today was just another average day to you, to someone this was the most important day of their life and changed who they are forever.

It was a great day with great people living their lives one day at a time.

The skin on the back of my hands cracked further. Bare knuckle brawling look to them now. I put soothing lotion on them so it’s okay. I get to wear my gloves all day tomorrow so I’m really excited because I will look cool! They’re very nice gloves. Black leather. Fleece lined. Three stitched lines across the black in a classic style and a belt buckle decoration on the wrist. Constant contact with the affected area numbs the pain. I can feel my pulse.

‘Would you like some tea?’ Sure… oh… wait… you were asking that stranger I see… That’s okay I can’t make tea for anyone anyway… The whole Chanoyu Japanese tea ceremony would take too long to perform properly anyway… Russian caravan tea for the win!

More people came to see the cat. He entertained them. Then he disappeared again once it was just the two of us. So much fun. He still has no name. He enjoys chasing and being chased but not being captured.

MY GOLBAT EVOLVED INTO CROBAT! 🙂

I saw a ‘Phantom of the Opera’ dog today. It was a mixed black, red and white furred dog. The fur of the entire left half of its head was perfectly white like the mask in the musical version (unlike the full mask Eric wears in the novel and some film versions). Also a safety conscious mother would not let her daughter go to the other side of the river to find things. They were stood by the bridge connecting the two sides. Such great maternal instinct! She could just sense danger.


So upbeat it makes my hands ache. There are still three more days of this…

Retractions: My co-worker didn’t wear a nasal excretion covered scarf… although today she wore a different scarf so make of that what you will. Also it was the ‘L’ in ‘salmon’ not the ‘D’ she was obsessed with… but I was certain it was the ‘D’ and it makes for a funnier story if it is. Spoil sport…

IMALU – UH UH: So upbeat with added ‘Engrish’ content… Wait for the stole on her shoulders to start singing. Then realise that the hunter killed one of the animal men and was cooking him… except he had turned into a Louis Vuitton padded bag… I like how open to experimentation the Japanese are with their media but at the same time I am weary of some of the excesses they allow too considering what a conservative nation they are…