Miss Twiss by Iain Crichton Smith

One day Miss Twiss

the primary teacher

turned into a fish

and began to lecture

 

to her children dear

holding the chalk

in her fish’s tail.

As she couldn’t walk

 

She stoof up straight

as a snake might do

and her scales were white

and sometimes blue.

 

‘I’ll tell you a tail,’

she told the boys

and seemed surprised

when they made a noise.

 

‘I’ll teach you the scales.’

she told the girls

and seemed surprised

at their subsequent twirls.

 

‘I’ll teach you to skate,’

she said with a grin

and seemed surprised

at the noise and the din.

 

When the cat came in

she slid away

and has never been heard of

till this day.

 

by Iain Crichton Smith

Spelling Game by Iain Crichton Smith

If the plural of house is houses

and the plural of mouse is mice

why then the plural of rouses

should surely be written as rice

and if the plural of deer is deer

and the plural of fish is fish

then the plural of beer should be beer

and the plural of dish should be dish.

If mouses run over our houses

and eat up our loaves and our scones

why then our lice should be louses

and our phones should be sounded as phons.

by Iain Crichton Smith