Just Desserts by John Rice

All of a suddlington Major Smythe-Buddlington

Fell from his charger named Rocket

His rifle was broked

And his bum was all soaked

By the yoghurt he kept in his pocket.

by John Rice

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The Sad Bad Tale Of The Old Odd Dog by John Rice

A dog went hunting sausages

For breakfast last Christmas week,

His ears were pink, his teeth were blunt

And he’d elastoplast on his cheek

 

His legs were Chinese chopsticks

His tail made of chewing gum.

He wore roller skates and a T-shirt

With a frying pan stuck to his bum.

 

This dog spoke many languages

Including German, Dutch and French –

He could fly a plane with his eyes shut

Or sit cross-legged on a bench.

 

But this old dog was not so lucky

When winter came around;

They sawed off his chopstick legs for firewood

Leaving him far too close to the ground.

 

The stumpy bits left proved useless

When trying to cross the street –

His chewing gum tail got stuck to the road

And now he’s Kennomeat.

 

by John Rice

If… by John Rice

If ships sailed on the motorway

And potato crisps were blue,

If football boots were made of silk

And a lamp-post wore a shoe;

If motorbikes ran upwards

And milk floats really floated;

It beds were full of boulders

And peas were sugar-coated;

If flies wore army jackets

And eggs laid little chickens;

If spacemen had a panther each

And insects studied Dickens;

If babies’ prams were motorised

And you listened to your conscience,

If life was always back to front

You wouldn’t be reading this nonscience!

 

– by John Rice