The Land Of The Bumbley Boo by Spike Milligan

In the Land of the Bumbley Boo

The people are red white and blue,

They never blow noses,

Or ever wear closes,

What a sensible thing to do!

 

In the Land of the Bumbley Boo

You can buy Lemon pie at the Zoo;

They give away Foxes

In little Pink Boxes

And Bottles of Dandylion Stew.

 

In the Land of the Bumbley Boo

You never see a Gnu,

But thousands of cats

Wearing trousers and hats

Made of Pumpkins and Pelican Glue!

 

Chorus

Oh, the Bumbley Boo! the Bumbley Boo!

That’s the place for me and you!

So hurry! Let’s run!

The train leaves at one!

For the Land of the Bumbley Boo!

The wonderful Bumbley Boo-Boo-Boo!

The Wonderful Beumbley Boo!!!

 

by Spike Milligan

Just Supposing by Eric Finney

Supposing…

A sinister spacecraft came down on the field,

And a hatch in the saucer slid back and revealed –

A nightmare of Martians, all grey and green streaks,

And they each had three legs and three eyes and three beaks!

Then, wobbling weirdly, one came right across

And in Martian demanded to speak to the boss.

So we led him in school, to the headmaster’s door,

And we knocked, and he opened, and then when he saw –

His eyeballs fell out with a plop on the floor!

 

Or supposing…

A crack opened up in the soccer field grass,

And rapidly grew to a yawning crevasse,

And the school was engulfed in the awful abyss:

The goalposts, the classrooms, the teachers – all this

Went helplessly into that opening jaw,

All hurting down towards earth’s fiery core,

And everything burned to a crisp – except me,

I escaped from the furnace. But how? Let me see…

I felt the inferno; came close to heart-failure!

But I fell through the world and came out in Australia!

 

by Eric Finney

On Mules We Find Two Legs Behind by Anon

On mules we find two legs behind

And two we find before.

We stand behind before we find

What those behind be for.

We find before the two before

Just what they, too, be for.

so stand before the two behind

and behind the two before.

 

by Anon

Alf Abets by Rony Robinson

Eighteen apples

Be like me

See if you can

Deep blue sea.

Easy does it

Every time

Jeannie likes me

Ain’t you mine.

I eyed Ivor

Jays can fly

Kay’s a singer

Elephants cry.

Emma’s empty

Anyway

Owners only

Peas, please pay

Queue less quickly

Aren’t you nice

Especially Sarah

Teach her twice.

You’ll know better

VIPs

What a whopper

Ex-wife sees.

 

 

Ain’t you coming

Beans for tea

Seems quite pleasant

Dean can’t see.

Emus rattle

If they die

Jeans are shrinking

Hate your tie.

I’m an eyeful

Jacob’s knot.

Cake’s for eating

Elton’s hot.

Empty bottles

Any time

Opening over

Peace in our time.

Cumin powder

Artist’s nose

Esther argues

Tease her toes.

Universal

Veal ham pie

Double youth club

Extra wise.

 

by Rony Robinson

There Was An Old Woman by Jean Kenward

There was an old lady

Who said she would eat

the whole of a holly bush

just for a treat;

and that’s what she did.

Yes. Her friends, they cried ‘Coo!

how clever you are! Now,

what else can you do?’

 

‘That’s NOTHING,’ she answered,

‘it’s easy as winking.

I could swallow the dome

of St Paul’s without thinking.’

‘No! Really?’ They would not

believe her. And so

she stretched her lips wide

as she guessed they could go

 

and took a deep breath…

then the wind from the South

blew that famous cathedral

right into her mouth;

and there it stuck fast.

What a terrible thing!

The wind from the East

volunteered to bring

 

the wind from the North

and the wind from the West

to blow St Paul’s outward

by special request.

They blew and they blew

and they blustered and battered

until the old lady

was shivering and shattered

 

and down fell the dome

with a bump on the floor.

‘Well,’ she said ‘I shall never

do THAT any more.

There are very few people

you know, who can eat

cathedrals instead of

their cabbage and meat –

 

the doors and the windows

the chancel, and all

the saints on their pedestals

icy and tall –

not to mention the holly

that grows in the wood.’

 

Do you think it would be

a good thing if they COULD?

 

by Jean Kenward

A Cleaning Job by Gregory Harrison

‘Where are you going in your furniture van,

Old woman?’ I said as I peered up inside.

 

‘You inquisitive man.’

She turned with a glare and tartly replied,

‘Go on, get up inside;

Scramble up if you can.’

 

I climbed through the door,

And there at once saw

A new vacuum-cleaner in parts on the floor.

 

‘Where are you going with that?’ I enquired.

 

‘Are you a detective that somebody’s hired?

You’re really most curious.

If you really must know,

I’m off to the mountains to vacuum the snow.’

 

by Gregory Harrison

A Crocodile Named Cedric Sheaf by Michael Dugan

A crocodile named Cedric Sheaf

would never ever clean his teeth.

His teeth fell out one by one

until at last his jaws held none,

and however much he wanted to

no food could poor old Cedric chew.

Because his gums were soft as silk

he had to live on malted milk.

 

by Michael Dugan