Eurovision 2019 : Tel Aviv, Israel

Knee jerk, irreverent, reactions to watching the live final… a fortnight late because no one looks at these posts but it’s a useful reference.

This year themes and notable moments : Bland performances by singers with songs that don’t suit their voices, lots of 1990s feeling costumes and songs, conservative boybands, performers dressed like fighting game characters and zettai ryouiki.The sentences will be legible but I won’t tidy the grammar up so it retains that ‘instant reaction’ tone. Ukraine again makes a political statement regarding Russia but this time end up withdrawing an none of their chosen acts will perform for them due to the terms of the contract they proposed but Maruv is allowed to perform her song especially for the interval as a gesture of goodwill to her by the contest. Madonna is showing her age and gets a very muted response from the audience when she performs during the interval.

I’ll put the key sentences of each country’s commentary in bold for the lazy Tl;Dr casual scanning readers looking for specific content.

[edit: on a side note it’s the same ‘flame columns’ pyrotechnics very act seemed to have so I guess it was that or nothing which was allowed… which is very restrictive. In fact the ‘screen’ visual effects were also very limited this year. On the whole this year felt like a downgrade from previous years and really makes you appreciate how much effort other countries put into the experience while Israel puts out a ‘budget’ version and yet has the cheek during one of the intervals to hire Gal Gadot to promote the country to people for tourism].

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Malta : Chameleon – Michela Pace

Nice song but completely the wrong tone of voice for it. Staging isn’t much. One year someone will dress as the european comic character Corto Maltese and boom… there’ll be a mass flood of fan votes. Very 90s style of costume. The sacrificial lamb first act of this year. A generic pop song. I am certain I’ve heard songs exactly like this on the radio. Knee socks and a jacket with see through vinyl sleeves, ending with denim cuffs, on a denim jacket. Odd look once you pay attention and one not seen since 1990s British girl bands.

Albania : Ktheju Tokës – Jonida Maliqi

The song title means ‘return to your land’ – so there’s a mild unintentional xenophobic tone to the title until you hear the song. I like it as it represents the heritage of Albania’s music with a modern twist. Then again I’ve been playing Koudelka and the Shadow Hearts series of games and the soundtrack has echoes of similar ‘epic ballad’ aspects so it’s a mild unintentional bias by me there. Pretty standard staging of a singer in operatic looking dress with backing singers. I liked it in context. [edit: after hearing all the songs I favour it a bit more for at least taking a risk compared to the more pop song like entries].

Czech Republic : Friend of a Friend – Lake Malawi

Catchy song. For a moment the guy sounds like he has an Essex accent when saying the girl moved back in which caught me completely off guard… that was random. Yes, nice beat. The lyrics, just like many from the boy band One Direction’s, have a slightly sinister entilted misogynistic tone to them yet you never hear it commented on openly ‘he’s cute and misunderstood and I can fix him so it’s okay if he doesn’t treat me well and always gives be backhanded compliments implying I’m nothing without his love as he can see past how ugly I am to my true beauty in supporting him’. Boy bands and romance novels is where all those life long insecurities begin. Nothing new when you look back to Wuthering Heights and other classics. Three handsome guys in trainers, skinny jeans, baggy jumpers playing instruments playing repetitive inoffensive music… Every teenager girls wet dream… to be honest you can imagine them being drowned out by the screams of teenage girls at a concert. Inoffensive stuff but the longer it goes on the more low energy it feels.

Germany : Sister – S!sters

A blonde and brunette duet. Call each other sister.. but, plot twist, they are not sisters. It’s nice. A good solid entry with a good rhythm and perfomance with stripped back staging. Instantly forgettable though but you can imagine it being used in a pivitol scene in a feel good drama’s climax when two friends reunite after some disagreement or something. It’s a nice song but maybe didn’t capture people’s hearts. [edit: public vote = 0 points… so indeed it didn’t].

Russia : Scream – Sergey Lazarev

You already realise this blog will be biased towards this entry but in fairness they tend to have quite solid entries in fairness year on year usually. It’s a solid entry and a strong contender. Building chorus and everything. Again throwing everything at it instrumentally and staging wise though the vocals might feel a bit softer than you’d hope when listening to it. Actually the staging with the multiple screens gets a little ridiculous and I wonder if there should be some rule against some aspects used as it felt a bit like it ended on an echo effect/recording. Very good though… I’ll forget it it soon enough. He took part in 2008? or 2018?

Denmark : Love Is Forever – Leonora

A very 2000s song. It reminds me of someone like Kate Nash. It looks nice when you watch the video but bear in mind she starts off with her back to the audience so it’s not as good an experience when there in person. A giant chair… it reminds me of those American photos of workmen eating their lunch on skyscraper worksites miles bove the city skyline. It’s a nice simple song. I mean once everyone’s sat up on there you spend more time in anticipation of someone falling off more than anything…

San Marino : Say Na Na Na – Serhat

Serhat is a dentist and claimed this took 5 minutes to write. Well yeah with lyrics like ‘na na’ I’m not expecting it to have been a struggle. It’s… very karaoke friendly. Another ‘I swear I saw this in the late 90s’ entry. Staging wise they have that effect that looks like the video files got corrupted for the background imagery and just went with it. It’ll get in the highlight reel for the year no doubt. It’s enjoyable. You won’t forget the chorus. Then he begins getting ‘yeah going crazy’… yes. Na na na. Say na na na. Say na na na… sayonara San Marino. Everyone, costume wise, looks like they’re going to the tennis court immediately after performance.

North Macedonia : Proud – Tamara Todevska

Sincerity. Well this is hitting all the buttons for me. Opera length dress and husky voice. Motivational lyrics. Maudline tone. I’ll be honest it does look like her dress slipped down due to the ‘exposed bra cups’ design. That’s as sexy as it gets this conservative year. It’s enjoyable. Another ‘you’ll hear it on an advert or during a moment in a drama’ song. Never really hits the pinacle I was hoping might arrive before the end so it feels incomplete.

Sweden : Too Late for Love – John Lundvik

Striped back staging with the one ‘caught escaping’ light behind him. Strong lyrics. Nice lead into the beat and then cuts back to vocal priority. Yes strong entry. Enjoyable. It’ll do well I assume. I can see them twisting this for Brexit/other conflicts use in future. No doubt we will hear this again over the next few years.

Slovenia : Serbi – Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl

They met on Instagram apparently. The intro reminds me of a lot of Sting’s songs. She looks like she has Down’s Syndrome. If she actually has it’s very progressive to feature her. I would like more, staging wise, if they didn’t have her stood singing right into his face as he plays the guitar. I like the song for that sort of lamenting tone it has but… it probably isn’t going to do good if people want an upbeat song this year. Both wear white and hold hands later on but it’s very… teenagers at a school assembly talent show due to how they’re dressed. Bit of a mantra quality to it. It’ll be big with the normie ‘I like feeling creeped out’ audience and those who think that the couple look a bit incestuous. I like the song and her voice – it’s just they don’t look like they gel together visually and are a bit too awkward on stage which in turn makes the audience feel a bit awkward watching. The song is good though. I want to hear it again [edit: …and this is one of, if the only, song of the finalists I honest can say that about this year].

Cyprus : Replay – Tamta

Vinyl zettai ryouiki. [Other acts also feature it so maybe this was the only way to be ‘sexy’ this year due to the more conservative nature of performers’ costumes due some behind the scenes mandate the public never heard of]. She is dressed the way early 3D fighting game characters dressed due to low polygon counts. Then the pull the top off and it’s even more like a costume of that era of gaming! It’s a generic sounding dance track… nothing else to add really. I forgot it instantly in indeed I was even able to remember it as I was listening to it.

Netherlands : Arcade – Duncan Laurence

One of, if not the, favourites this year going into the finals according to bookies etc. Yeah this has ‘Eurovision winner’ written over it the way ‘a Hollywood film where an attractive actor ‘goes ugly’ for a role by putting weight on [Chris Hemsworth as ‘fat Thor’ is in the running no doubt this year by that logic] or portrays disability or depicting ficitionalised real life events of someone’s experiences during World War’ 2 has ‘Oscar winner’ written all over it. Anthemic. Sad. Warbbling. He mimes playing the piano. Yeah this will be top 2 if it doesn’t win. [Spoiler: It wins.]

Greece : Better Love – Katerine Duska

Distinctive voice… it’s the vocal equivilant of Marmite. Balletic sword fighters duel weilding. Dancers fluttering wings. A arched churchdoorway mini-stage. I like it but that voice is going to throw a lot of people off. ARGH when she goes for high notes! She’s one of those women who is single and you wonder why then you hear her voice… I joke. It’s a nice song and the staging is very nice. Nonetheless that voice is going to lose votes probably. Very ‘Florence + the Machine’ in style.

Israel : Home – Kobi Marimi

”Hometown Hero” – no one was allowed to see them rehearse so… could be amazing could be a shitshow. Those rhymes… I… he is losing me with every line. The chorus aiding him improves it… but indeed it’s very much f a ‘this is me’ generic rising chorus ‘confidence gaining’ song from a musical. I like the ‘beams of lighting’ staging watching it but having been at events using it it’s a death ray if you’re sat in the wrong seats and get blasted by it for minutes straight. It’s a nice song… the warbling highnote at the end kind of mutes it. Good response as he’s the home hero but… eh it’ll do okay but it’s not the best.

Norway : Spirit in the Sky – KeiiNO

George Harrison. Admit it you too were wondering if it was going to be a cover though those are not allowed at Eurovision. Primark military style jacket. Essex face lift pony tail for the lady and… IT’S THE YODELLING BALD MAN! INSTANT WINNER! Nice dance track but that yodelling man… damn that’s a winner addition! He even gets a solo!!! and Yggdrasil, the tree of life from Norse legend, makes an appearance! Eurovision gold!

United Kingdom : Bigger Than Us – Michael Rice

From Hartlypool. The British entry so maybe I’ll be mildly bias. It’s a nice ballad. I don’t think he starts on the right note… Anthemic but subdued. It could go any way to be honest. Who are we kidding he’s the British entry… as soon as he gets in the greenroom they’ll get him as drunk as possible to numb the inevitable pain of the low votes. If we get on the left side of the score board it’ll be a small miracle. It’s a nice pop song. I honestly feel a bit more impact was needed though. I mean the backing vocalists almost drown him out on at least one occasion. He thanks Europe and says he is living his dream performing there Cool, good manners. Good boy.

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Midpoint: The male presenter behind stage, in he green room, asks the San Marino entrant Serhat the dentist a question then cuts him off before he can answer properly. ‘Presenters being presenters’ as ever… can’t cut into that running time even to be polite.

Here are some comments by the British Eurovision commentator Graham Norton about the entries:

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Iceland : Hatrið mun sigra – Hatari

‘Hatred will Prevail’ is the meaning of the title. Thus very ‘anti-Eurovision’. Very anti-capitalist too aparently. Weirdly electro-punk with industrial style accoustics. I like. Eurovision needs more rock music like this and Lordi. Flame spikes. Edward Scissorhands outfit and mohawks. Well this is my favourite but it won’t win. No doubt people are claiming it scares them, for some reason or other just because it’s not mainstream, as if they’re going to wake up suspended from the ceiling in a gimp costume as part of someone’s sex dungeon… such people shouldn’t have been allowed to read 50 Shades of Grey as it’s given them ideas. Saying that it should have been about 30 seconds shorter as I got bored by the end.

Estonia : Storm – Victor Crone

Pretty guy in a leather jacket with an acoustic guitar. Mr generic cool guy to every generation… He will have a better than he would otherwise as a contrast to Iceland’s entry no question. Even got some clapping along early on by the audience wanting to spirit away the dark energy Iceland left them with. Nice breezy song. I enjoy it. Might be a bit too ‘seen it already’ due to others having similar songs though. Really the longer it goes on the more I think ‘I’ve heard that bit elsewhere…’ Enjoyable though. Apparently augmented effects were used. That’s becoming more common for the staging on the night of course.

Belarus : Like It – Zena

She reminds me of the blogger Angelika Oles. Then she has one of those hot pink and white with black accent outfits that looks like a cross between an F1 pit girl and a gogo dancer. She has B-boy backing dancers. Nothing really stands out. Zettai ryouiki again and a bared midrift. The only two areas acceptable in clean family entertainment to indicate sex appeal. [edit: when I typed that I was thinking of Princess Jasmine from Disney’s Aladdin only to find out in the live action film version they give her a most conservative costume with a corset like covering for her midriff]. The song is an ‘also ran’. Even when listening to it it wasn’t sticking with me. ‘Impossible’ you say? You’d be surprised.

Azerbaijan : Truth – Chingiz

Thumping beat. Robot arms. A laser on his chest like the Predator is about to kill him. Husky male voice singing. Good good. Goes into a higher register but fine. ‘shut up about it’ he chants.. in a song called Truth… interesting. Yeah nice song but not going to get too high. More about the staging with the electro girl head than anything really. He is dressed like a character from a 1980-90s SNK beat-em up. No really. Look up ‘King of Fighters’ and you’ll find his outfit on a guy with a ponytail. It’s the year of ‘beat-em up costumes!

France : Roi – Bilal Hassani

A feminine looking man. He is like the lead male character from the most recent trilogy of SNK’s King of Fighters games! Or Remy from Street Fighter III! He’s also deaf and doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes apparently. The ‘progressive’ vote then but also he would get the Japanese boyband vote too if there was one. ABBA outfit. On fleek eyebrows. Guy will launch his own makeup Youtube channel and brand if he hasn’t got one already. Obese dancer… she actually moves quite well. However they replace her with a tiny Asian lady soon enough. He reminds me of an anime Bishonen (pretty boy) or androgenous villain with his look. No seriously go look up anime and scroll down the images and I am certain you’ll find someone with his look. As for the song… it’s a standard Eurovision entry. Good but you’ll forget about it.

Italy : Soldi – Mahmood

The ‘I like rap’ option for what it’s worth. Badass in a hawaiian shirt and earring with one of those wallet chains you’ve not seen since the 2000s with American skater punk bands like Limp Biskit or Sum41. Clap clap. You’ll hear this in the clubs. It’ll get a really good dance remix. It feels a little lifeless on the night unfortunately compared to others. It really needed the audience participation to go wild for it and they didn’t. The backing dancers I swear pulled off a few American line dancing moves a few times by boot scooting… It’s a good song by itself but not one that will ultimately win Eurovision.

Serbia : Kruna – Nevena Božović

The title means ‘crown’. Slow ballad. Has the look of a rocksinger in the 1980s… like Bonnie Tyler. She reminds me of the film ‘White Chicks’. The design of her dress to show the leg with an intentional arch of fabric instead of a split is a bit forced as if they put the top of a jukebox on her. I like it. Of the ballads I probably like it best. I kind of wish she didn’t alternate language as it probably would sound better in just the one. Also thanks the crowd. Good good. Enjoyed it.

Switzerland : She Got Me – Luca Hänni

They last won in 1988 with Celine Dion apparently. The boy band entry… well ‘one man boy band’ entry. Flashing lights and all the tricks. Well choreographed. The backing dancers being dressed in red, in red light, with a red background makes them barely viewable if you’re there in the crowd and not by the front. It’s a nice upbeat entry. All the boys go… All the girls go… Everyone goes… eh, it’s alright and I can dance to it so it’s got that going for it. He’s got that leather vest under a sleeveless jacket look which no one can pull off… and again I’ve seen that costume on a fighting game character I swear. [edit: e.g. Robert Garcia in both SNK’s ‘Art of Fighting’ and ‘King of Fighters’ series]

Australia : Zero Gravity – Miller – Hedke

Australia is in Europe everyone jokes… and yet still they compete. At least others are geographically close if not in Europe. Ice queen outfight with tiara crown. It’s a flying Statue of Liberty. Yodelling woman… cunning. I like it. Then it goes all ‘electro-dance beat… well this is going to compete hard then. Are they all on stilts? Oh no they’re on… sticks. I’m sure the staging is amazing if you’re there but it looks comical at home. I’m getting ‘Christ at the Crucifixion’ vibes due to the crown and there being three of them. The ‘death of Liberty’ undertext. It’s pick up votes from oldschool Eurovision lovers no question.

Spain : La Venda – Miki

Comic panel staging. It’s meant to be a house but nope. Full on 6 panel newspaper comic look. Very upbeat and fun. This will get votes for it and by people who’ve forgotten all the others. Weird light giant thing on stage too. Fun. The backing dancers look like they are meant to be doing an exercise at home doe a ‘exercise at home with [insert name of a reality TV celebrity]’ moneygrabbing name recognition exercise video. This should get quite a few votes. Good one to end on. It’s been a bit of a dour year to be honest with far too many ‘safe’ entries.

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Apparently if you vote you get a thank you video from the artist you voted for. They did that for the Olympics too for some reason.

While you vote they showed previous years’ winners singing other winners’ songs and some favourites of the past. Quite interesting really. They did it as a sort of Cabaret thing. Conchita’s outfit took inspiration from Hakke Andrey a character from Atlus’ Maken X computer game it seems.

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Madonna appears and does a song. Like a wild pokemon in the long grass. Wearing an eyepatch with a costume suggesting both pirate and pearly queen of London’s Eastend. Promoting her album Madam X. Then gives some inspirational words to the performers which come across as a bit patronising. A presenter says she knows what she is talking about which… yes please tell musicians to pay attention for some life advice as if it’s not their career and think it’s not at all insulting to them you grovelling little scab. Madonna? Knowing about being a successful singer? No really? Musicians performing at Euroviosn not knowing their stuff? Really? Then she quotes her own song and tries to get people to repeat it but it falls flat.

Then someone else performs.

Oh it’s Ukraine who pulled out of the contest! Except not really. Ukraine forbade Maruv to compete because she had toured in Russia and so Eurovision let her perform her song as a sign of goodwill on their part though not representing Ukraine obviously.

(Not Ukraine) interval act: MARUV – Siren Song (Bang!)

Well you can’t lose if you don’t compete! Oh yeah this is far too sexual for this year’s tastes. They’d have to tame it down immensely. Phwoar nonetheless. Going for that dad vote like Poland did a few years ago with their ‘My Słowianie – We Are Slavic’ milk churning women in traditional ress performance in 2014 but Maruv makes it clearly more dominatrix in tone.

However I recorded it as ‘a song called something like ‘Boee (Come With Me)’ was played at this point. I assume in hindsight it was Maruv as the lyric ‘come with me’ is mentioned.

I prefer music reflect the culture of the performers and this does. I wish more of the songs had followed this tone as it makes it much more interesting than the euro-pop that got humoginised over time and then got a slight revival due to developments in staging with back projection, slim large 4K HD monitors and such.

Also the ‘political protest is not allowed’ seems a rule very weakly enforced depending on which country is saying it. Here’s one video about the events happening outside the event.

Quavo appears. His first time at Eurovision. He is, like Madonna, dressed as if they’re filming a Mad Max or Waterworld sequel. He says his mom grew up listening to Madonna. Mikedrop moment as if he had been throwing shade intentionally or not…

Then a mentalist trick with a ‘not Derren Brown’ guy to pad the run time while the votes are going on.

Then ‘chicken song’ [a.k.a. ‘Toy’] singer Netta, who won last year, appeared in a yellow ‘na na banana’ dress with a new song. It’s like a song for preschool children got given a remix… When a 9 year old girl is asked what she wants at her birthday party I image something like this. She wants a classy evening dress affair dinner party but then she also wants bright colours and pop music.

Then Madonna, after the third or fourth reminder of all the entrants, fnally performed. Everyone was waiting for another ‘throttled by her cape’ moment of course. The staging screams Gregorian chanting monks even without the costumes. So it’s one more step down the ‘no, I’m not being blasphemous’ road like her videos in the 1980s which got her in trouble with the Catholic church back then. They’re trying to make her songs sound like anthemic hymns by doing them a beat or so slower tempo wise with chanting backing singers and a beats machine. I mean… okay. But it’s also weird considering it’s what you would hear if all the sound equipment failed at a concert.

Then the monks carry logs or pillars up the steps. She seems out of breath. Then she does a quasi-Shakespearean bit with one dancer to Tchaikovsky’s the sugar plum fairy… the dancer has a white gas mask on and a flower crown which seems quite political surely. Weird segway. Then the Quavo guy turns up with heavy vocal balancing effects on his voice and Madonna sounds like she is underwater.

She got a muted response in the hall…

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The VOTES:

The.. vote… finally… the votes… it seemed shorter between the final act and the votes when they used to allow more entrants per year than it does with these never ending interval acts and padding.

Then the presenters have Gal Gadot turn up in a VT promoting the country… because what else can they do to pad it out even further. I don’t recall over host coutries doing this but maybe I’m forgetting them.

Jokes about Israelis but in a self-depricating manner. However only on light topics like music and things that come across as an advert for the country’s tourism board. Gosh ren’t we a quirky fun country? Nothing bad happens here. Just forget all the active warzone on the borders kind of stuff – we are all about the chicken song and Gal Gadot. Forget the whole ongoing conflict you might get caught up in as a visitor… it’s all good here we love everyone… well except ‘those people‘… but apart from them everyone is welcome.

Jury votes!!!

It starts off with last year’s host Portugal with Inez whoever she is… 12 to Netherlands…

We, Britain, gave 12 to North Macedonia…. the power of ‘dressing like your on the pull on a girl’s night out and it’s 2.30AM’ wins us over.

Russia has a piano player to do the point announcement…. after doing a brief recital piece. I mean all the point announcers are having a 30 second of fame moment I guess though they’re famous people in their own country anyway and it’s not enough time for people to remember them… presumably. Greece had an electric guitar rock band guy too.

And now I’ll just recount the ones who gave Britain points… any at all… and let’s not think ‘potential trade union deal partners post-Brexit?’ while doing it.

Norway – 2 points.

Hungary – 2 points.

Belarus – 5 points [also phwoar… shockingly the only true one this year it seems! Actually was she on a previous year?]

Armenia – 2 points

Georgia – 1 point.

Switzerland – 1 point

13 professional jury points in total! We are not ‘nul point’ this year! Others are doing worse than us and that’s as good as we can ask!

We gave Norway 12 points… wel they gave us two so that’s okay…

The public vote

3 points from the public. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…. well that’s this year’s sacrificial lamb done with.

Germany got no public points… brutal.

Once it was down to Sweden vs Netherlands they dragged out the final announcement to up the tension for no good reason repeating that Sweden needed 253 points. They got 93.

The winner was… The Netherlands with 492 points. 1975 was the last time they won. Last year’s winner hands the trophy to the new winner. The run up to get it is dragged out. The music loops. He holds it aloft. Someone, somewhere is shedding tears. Others are sat on the toilet evacuating their bowels. It’s over for another year.

So another year and another low ranking place. Once it as due to participation in the Iraq war… now it’s Brexit. In fairness some of the entries were bad and others were just throwing something at it and seeing if it would work some years. Some years we actually had good acts, others were ‘bring out the old horses to flog’ and a few were ‘sod it we just can’t be bothered’.

The presenters thank the broadcaster and it’s almost 2AM in Israel and they’ve still to wheel the piano out. They skip it and have him miming the piano this time (not that he was playing it anyway probably). He calls on the audience to sing the chorus with him as streamers fall from above.

Reign well God-king of the Netherlands, ride unto the shores of Valhalla all shiny and chrome upon the unplayed piano that is your steed. Let the thundering arsecheeks of the farting oarsmen clpa their rhythm in your wake. Let the warble of your voice be the birdsong that sends your opponents to their fate. Their defeat was a foregone conclusion as the fates foretold through their oracles bookie’s stakes…

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Bonus: Those who didn’t make it to the finals

For the first year of doing these I’ll also include those who fell before the final hurdle. Sadly I actually liked some of them more than those acts who were in the grand final!

Semi-Finalists

Armenia : Walking Out – Srbuk

Zettai ryouiki again… it must have been the fashion this year. The only flesh allowed to be shown to be ‘sexy’ without offending Israeli TV censors I assume. Pyro technics which really punctuate the end of the song but… the whole song is in minor key though you feel it should be in major so… it was good but I can see why on balance some other acts edged it out into being in the finale.

Ireland : 22 – Sarah McTernan

The checkerboard pattern and popart featured gives the staging that aesthetic retro ‘1950s yet with a 1990s twist’ I recall a few British boybands having in some of their music videos. Red leather skirt ad strappy heels – again sexy in a conservative manner. She has a husky voice which I don’t feel fits the song and the syling they’ve used as you associate the 1950s with higher pitched singers of that era… this song if it was more upbeat with a different singer would definitely sound more like a 1950s hit but instead it sounds a little like it is meant to act as an ‘in those good old days’ reflective sad ballad but it just doesn’t work. A different song would have worked with her voice. So it’s understandable they didn’t progress to the final. Oh and obviously it’s a surprise Ireland didn’t get into the finals but this probably isn’t the first time ever though, from a British perspective, we tend to notice their absence.

Moldova : Stay – Anna Odobescu

Using sand/salt art projected onto a screen is interesting but I think it was done in previous years and… I’m not sure but I think that’s the Ukrainian artist, Kseniya Simonova, who is famous for it they have doing it live on the stage with the singer… wait yes I just confirmed it’s her. Well considering Ukraine pulled out this year as a protest [and yet did the interval somehow] I am assuming she is going to be getting a lot of criticsm in her homeland… [apparently not in hindsight]. Anyway the singer is wearing a dress which is half 1980s wedding dress and half modern ‘going out tonight’ dress. Heer voice reminds me of the American singer Anastacia. It’s very much a dramatic Eurovison style ballad and I enjoy it so I’m a bit surprised it didn’t get through considering how bland some of the fianlists were. Maybe some of the notes didn’t hit the heights the judges would have liked to give that extra punch to the songs impact.

Latvia : That Night – Carousel

I feel this and the Slovenian entry would have been an interesting juxtapositon to each other. Apparently there was only room for one soft song of this type this year and the young couple had the better ‘story’. A simple lace dress with boots and a wide brimmed hat to give that summertime mood when singing the reflective romantic song while accompanied by a 3 piece accompaniment. They all look much older in the official video. It’s a nice easy listening song. The singer has a charm making her appealling but I guess it was just too mellow for this year’s judges which is a shame as it would get my vote.. if I was the sort to vote for these things. Ultimately the stripped back staging with just a swaying dance, with a few turning walks, was just too little of an impact for a contest that seems to need more and more spectacle in the projected visuals nowadays.

Romania : On a Sunday – Ester Peony

Interesting costumes where it’s rhinestone/sequins covered eveningsuit wear on top with a punk-charcoal puffskirt rock lower half with platform Goth boots. Phwoar. You know who her look reminds me of? Missy from Dr Who a few years ago. The dancers look like they are meant to promoting a computer game… specifically the character designs of the fighter when the Mortal Kombat series first dabbled in 3D use. It’s going for that sort of alternative rock look but the song is a quite traditional Eurovison ballad. It’s an also ran entry ultimately. Take the dancers away and it’s not got anything unique in the song itself. Singer phwoar; song snore. The first line or so she has very odd pronunciation for Sunday as if warbling the line. The backing singers have an oddly ‘baby doll’ look to them. It’s all very ‘what fashion designers think of when given the brief to produce something ‘dark’ themed so they break out the black fethers, leather books and harsh tailoring or otherwise go to the Gothic Lolita side of the ‘dark’ spectrum. Indeed it is understandable why this didn’t get to the finale though I’m certain the singer is capable of better than this when allowed to do her own thing. I don’t get the audience’s reaction when the pyrotechnics go off unless they were not expecting them as they showed appaulled by them from their tone not excited as you might expect. Maybe they were too cloe to them.

Austria : Limits – Pænda

A soft uplifting song for the most part though it has one point towards the end where she sounds quite bad. Lighting gradually growing with the intensity. Her costume really doesn’t fit with the style of song. Is she wearing a dress or trousers? It’s just she has the look of a middle aged woman desperate to pull on Fridy night in the local bar kind of aura… [also considering the look of many of this years acts she is showing too much skin for the judges’ /broadcaster’s liking no doubt]. She sounds like she hits a lot of bad notes when she gets to the more intense moments. A very disjointed entry and indeed one I can definitely understand didn’t get through. If anything it represents my issue with this year everything is far too restrained and dull. The songs are all too focused on presenting something which appeals to the broadest dynamic and so instead of something memorable it’s all of the lowest common denominator.

Croatia : The Dream – Roko

Taking the lyrics and the whole ‘I’m an angel in a lake of fire’ aesthetic into account… is he meant to be playing Lucifer?! I mean that’s gutsy to be doing that in Israel of all places… Then the backing dancers come down and honestly it’s the look you see as a parody of an ‘overly pretentious pop act’. The song is nice enough but I think they shot themselves in the foot with their visual concept…

Lithuania : Run with the Lions – Jurij Veklenko

This would have been an interesting contrast with the Greek entry as both have distinctive vocalists. Visually there’s all the ‘generic stylish young handsome guy’ boxes ticked. He sings surprisingly high for a lot of the song if I’m honest. I know there’s singer/songwriters like Passenger who are like that but it’s not an easy sell for most people. The song is decent if generic. It’s quite bland and forgettable to be honest though there’s nothing wrong with it to be honest.

* * *

Non-Qualified Countries

Hungary : Az én apám – Joci Pápai

Straight away I feel this has a lot more impact than many got through to the finals. It really gets a good reaction from the audience there. Barring the ‘performing in bare feet’ bit he is very much in the standard ‘generic safe male performer’ visually. It’s actually shocking someone of this calibre didn’t get through. There’s not much to add. It’s disappointing this didn’t get through as it would have done well.

Montenegro : Heaven – D mol

Dance music start. Very conservative outfits… maybe a little too conservative as they remind me of American Evangelical preachers. The third guy is very nasal which sticks out like a sore thumb for his moment. It’s the sort of song you can imagine having been performed about ten years ago at the latest. They’re all decent but in a year of bland they’re the wrong kind of bland. They’re not ‘what a middle aged panel of judges thinks appeals to young people these days’ inoffensively safe but just ‘old fashioned’ safe. Too safe in a year I felt was overly safe… which is kind of tragic.

Georgia : Keep on Going – Oto Nemsadze

I still recall previous years entries by them. Georgia is the country always certain to do entries I thoroughly enjoy and would listen to independent of the Eurovision contest. Each year I forget and each year they surprise me and I recall the quality the country produces. I like this but it is in stark contrast to many other more mainstream, safely commerical, entries this year so got excluded for a ‘smoother’ running order experience I guess with only Iceland being the notable ‘see we let different acts take part’ token gesture entry. The wailing bit really adds support to his main vocals. Then a male choir chorus too! And pyrotechnics?! They really built this up throughout the song to a good climax. And he even thanks the audience which not every act does. They were robbed of a place! This is my ‘spiritual’ victor who sadly didn’t get placed!

Finland : Look Away – Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman

Leather jacket and blue jeans… is it the 1980s, 90s or 2019? A dance track song. Yeah it’s okay. Dance music isn’t my thing though it’s one of the pan European crowd pleasers. It would have stuck out a little this year but like some others feels like it’s missing the ‘punch’ it needed to just get a bit more traction. It’s better than some of the finalists to be honest. Generic for a previous year but for now it would have been distinctive. The dancer does very well considering all eyes are on her more than him during it. Oh it’s Darude… and he didn’t get through?! Shock result! Even I know who he is! Maybe he was felt to be a ‘ringer’ being entered into this contest and it would have been unfair as he would have taken so much of the popular vote from the public…

Poland : Pali się – Tulia

Nation of ‘we don’t take this serious’ with their milkchurning girls in traditional dress with ‘My Słowianie – We Are Slavic’ in 2014, a wheelchair user in 2015 performing In The Name of Love and now… they’ve early 90s girl band vocals like Elastica while wearing quasi- traditonal Slavic yet Mongolian ceremonial dress?! Their voices are cutting through me. Bit too repetitive but they get the audience on side. I would have liked to see them in the final as a novelty act to break up the monotony. Their floating heads on the screens seem more in keeping with this years tone than their costumes on stage. I can see why it didn’t get through but good on them thanking the crowd.

Portugal : Telemóveis – Conan Osíris

This should have got into the finals! The song has a very sort of Arabic chant style but mixed with Eastern mysticism style before exploding into a sort of Electro-synth dance beat reminding me of the soundtrack to Mamoru Oshii’s Ghost In The Shell anime film. It actually seemed really interesting costume wise in a ‘Mortal Kombat if Kazuma Kaneko did the costume designs’ way… On the whole this year felt very ‘safe’ in terms of most of the acts. At least this one had some style to it even if not to everyones’ tastes. Again thanking the audience. Maybe in the final they were not allowed to or their microphones got cut off when they did it?

Belgium : Wake Up – Eliot

Taiko drums? And this didn’t get placed? Let’s see why… drumming on the beat. Um… yeah his vocals are not strong enough sadly. Someone with a bit more power to their voice and this probably could have gone through but as it is it sounds like a teenager covering it for a school talent contest. The audience clap in time with the beat to support him. Well hopefully he can go away, train his voice some more and we will hear from him again. The drummers do very well in fairness. Smoke effects? I don’t think anyone else had those. Maybe he got cut so they wouldn’t have to fork out for those in the final?

* * *

Ukraine’s withdrawal this year: Maruv was allowed to perform by Eurovision without it being connected to representing Ukraine for the reasons detailed below. In hindsight is very good of them as it’s not her fault that the country she was to represent took umbridge with her touring obligations which inevitably included work in Russia despite the broadcaster imposing what were clearly politically motivated conditions of her contract if she were to represent Ukraine. Kudos too should go to the show of solidarity by ‘Freedom Jazz’ and ‘Kazka’ who were offered the contract when Maruv wouldn’t agree to the terms.

So what’s the story?

Ukraine withdrew from the competition this year. It was politically motivated, though they would deny it of course, hence why Eurovision extended a hand to let Maruv perform even if she wasn’t able to compete. A goodwill gesture by them to the performer surely should be applauded as there was no political intent behind her decisions though the Ukraine frame it as such because she honoured tour dates that had, by the time of the contract being proposed, been agreed upon long beforehand.

To quote the Wikipedia article’s synopsis of events:

“During the final of the national selection, it was announced that the broadcaster had reserved the right to change the decision made by the jury and Ukrainian public. Following Maruv’s win, it was reported that the broadcaster had sent her management a contract, requiring Maruv to cancel all upcoming appearances and performances in Russia in order to become the Ukrainian representative. After it became clear that she would be performing in two concerts in Russia the following months, Vice Prime Minister and Minister of Culture Vyacheslav Kyrylenko stated that artists who toured in Russia or “did not recognise the territorial integrity of Ukraine” should not take part in Eurovision. She was also given 48 hours to sign the contract or be replaced. The day afterwards, Maruv revealed that the broadcaster’s contract had additionally banned her from improvising on stage and communicating with any journalist without the permission of the broadcaster, and required her to fully comply with any requests from the broadcaster. If she were to not follow any of these clauses, she would be fined ₴2 million (~€67,000). Maruv also stated that the broadcaster would not give her any financial compensation for the competition and would not pay for the trip to Tel Aviv.

On 25 February, both Maruv and the broadcaster confirmed that she would not represent Ukraine in Israel due to disputes within the contract, and that another act would be chosen. National final runner-up Freedom Jazz announced on 26 February that they had rejected the broadcaster’s offer to represent Ukraine as well, with third place finisher Kazka confirming they had rejected the offer as well the following day.

It is considered controversial for Ukrainian artists to tour in Russia following the 2014 Russian military intervention in Ukraine.”

Eurovision 2016

The 61st contest which this year is set in Stockholm.

Graham Norton is commentating for the UK audience on the BBC broadcast. He is still nothing compared to Terry Wogan’s coverage sadly.

My first impressions of each song and performance are noted below. I didn’t watch all the lead up semi-finals etc so I am seeing these for the first time.

There is an epilepsy warning accompanied by a pseudo-catwalk fashion show in the introductions of the competitors projecting their national flags onto avant-garde fashion designs worn by the models. It is a spectacle but could easily outshine the costumes of the competitors’ performances in its extravagance unfortunately. I remember that, year on year, there would be competitors with very unique appearances and performances but if it is going to be anything like last year? I feel like everything is going to feel very toned down compared to the past.


Details on each performer can be found at: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/stockholm-2016/participants


The presenters: No idea who they are. Home crowd loves them obviously. Cheesy jokes – but that happens every year. ‘put our differences aside and join in our love of music’ Petra declares – shame no one said that around the time of the Iraq war as it feels like Britain is still paying for a choice our government made without the support of its citizens. UK viewers cannot vote by text apparently and no reason is given why not. Then Graham rattles off a long list of how the voting has changed and I would be surprised anyone was definite what this meant from what he said. Richard Osmond (who gave our judge’s vote later) made a short film explaining it apparently. I wasn’t aware of it personally. Petra’s dress is awful. It is that oddly washed out vomit tone of salmon which never looks good. A little later the male presenter goes to the stadium next door where people are gathered for some reason and speaks to two previous winners – and cuts one off as she sings Hallelujah! Awkward.


Performers intro videos – nice if a bit unconnected to the performers featured or indicative of their personal nationality. It gives you a few tourism brochure like images of the country but tells you nothing of note.


Belgium: Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure : Disco/ R&B sensibility. Golden lights and sparkly silver clothing. It’s the first person to perform so you already know it’s the ‘no hoper’ for winning. If I heard this on the radio I would enjoy it as an upbeat little song. The dance routine feels very restrained. It’s a nice ‘warm up’ for later acts. Age 19 – Graham keeps mentioning everyone’s ages tonight. Is he feeling a little old or something? Wogan embraced it and mocked the young performers. Maybe the BBC have been very strict with Norton considering some of the things Wogan used to say – but that was the fun part noting the ridiculous aspects of the performances.

Czech Republic: Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand: Nice dramatic intro. Big contrast to the previous song. In fairness to Stockholm they have really given the performers a massive amount of variety with the under stage lighting effect and everything. This song I can imagine being very effective in a film soundtrack associated with a very emotionally impactful scene but in isolation it feels a bit… numb. It reminds me of Spectre’s ‘The Writing is on the Wall’ theme song. I didn’t like that song initially but it really grew on me over time. I will be surprised if it gets a high level of votes tonight which is unfortunate. Good but in the way that it would take time to be appreciated which sadly a song contest like this doesn’t allow.

The Netherlands: Douwe Bob – Slow Down: Clock floor. Very country music in tone. Wearing a suit with an unbuttoned shirt to expose his throat tattoo just makes it look like he has a cravat. The keyboardist looks like a young Bob Dylan. This is the sort of slower acoustic song I would expect on a boy band album that doesn’t get released as a single. The 10 second stop is stupid. It adds nothing to the song. The lyrics were incredibly repetitive. Tells Europe to slow down… for what reason?

Azerbaijan: Samra – Miracle: Her intro is like a model’s film reel with her posing in a shop and roller skate park. Good timing with the flame effects to add emphasis. Clearly learned from last years winner. In fact I can imagine many of the entrants are really going to go to town with the stage effects… The song is like a B-side of a girl band album where they’ve let one of the less prominent members have a go as lead vocalist. So far everyone’s sung in English… I kind of want people to represent their nation in their own language and show a bit of pride rather than go with what is most ‘commercial’. Outfits wise its like a low-budget 1970s sci-fi film based on a pulp fiction story.

Hungary: Freddie – Pioneer: So again its a ‘stood posing around the city’ intro. Dull. Ooh a taiko drum on stage! The jeans and t-shirt look isn’t doing it for me. The backing singers bouncing on their heels back and forth is ‘dad dancing’so unintentionally hilarious. Let’s face it people will vote for the pretty boy’s face or the drummer who isn’t actually the competitor. The song is a nice anthemic one but… it’s missing that special something but definitely would grow on me very quickly. So far this one is the one I would say is in the lead. Good overall performance.

Italy: Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation: ATTRACTIVE LADY! (If you read my coverage last year I kind of noted which ones I thought were attractive so ;P to any who take umbridge) And she sings in Italian!!! automatically I want her to win. The staging. There are actual physical decorations in the form of floral arrangements. (In the end I think she was the only one to have physical decorations onstagw while everyone else used the back projected scenes). She is wearing odd dungarees that remind me of a Klimt painting… The song is a very nice soft ballad. She kicks it up into English and I am really enjoying it. On the screen are whisps and water drops which an audience there wouldn’t see so that’s not great. The fruit offering at the end is a bit hokey. Overall I really liked it.

Israel: Hovi Star – Made Of Stars: The guy looks like one of the goth kids off South Park. Go look and tell me I’m wrong. A sparkly shirt under a dull black suit. Very emo looking though I thought that fashion faded out a few years ago. He has a good singing voice. The hoop gymnast dancers are impressive but very much distracting and I feel trying to make up for the limited tone of the song as it is much slower than the competition so far. At the end it kicks up instrumentally but he doesn’t really match that energy. It was a good effort but not enough.

Bulgaria: Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime: Side of the head shaved hairstyles are fashionable now. I don’t know if I like the style or not as I grew up seeing it in the British comic 2000AD and Tank Girl as a futuristic punk style so it’s very old-fashioned to me. Her costume is very like a sci-fi cosplay as a sort of military half beige, half black, uniform. She is cute… kind of hitting a few geek fetishes… phwoar. (I’m joking). The song is energetic and she at least moves a bit unlike many of the previous entrants. I actually would like to see her do really well as the entire performance is coordinated in tone and aesthetic. Oh the costume lights up! and the backing singers appear. Yes I really hope she does well.

Sweden: Frans – If I Were Sorry: Franz wears a beanie. It reminds me of that character from ‘American Beauty’ who films a plastic carrier bag moving in the wind. He is being clapped along with so… yeah he has home team support and is a good, if sterile, young male, spray tanned one too many times, performer. Casual but stylishly fashionable clothing which is inoffensive. An upbeat slightly crooning style of song. Words appear behind him. He has what the Might Boosh would describe as ‘shrimp eyes’ usually associated with Julian Barrett. He is only 17 years old Graham notes again. Host nations on the year usually don’t go all out as they don’t want the cost year on year but this was a nice entry nonetheless.

Germany: Jamie-Lee = Ghost: Graham says she annoys him but doesn’t explain clearly. I know she is a Koreanphile. I really like the stage design. Lasers and old black gnarled tree forest. But she stays stood at the front and the backing singers are hidden away so it all feels a wasted opportunity for really elaborate dance choreography. Clearly the presenters little chat between this and the last song was to allow time for it to be set up. She starts in silhouette. Should have stayed that way as her head-dress or even maybe the whole outfit is ridiculous. I feared everyone would be very muted in visual tone this year. My fears are allayed. The song is slow and again maybe something that given a context in a young adult film might get an audience but it feels too weak to compete her. (Later I note they got very low votes. Is it because Eurovision is moving in a more ‘serious’ direction? Is it because of the fetishisation people perhaps felt was implied by her overt interest in Korean culture? Was it just because its Germany i.e. one of the ‘big 5’ nations and there is some bitterness towards them? Or maybe the song just wasn’t up to standard. What do you think?)

France: Amir – J’ai cherché: A trained dentist. Sings in French but adds a little bit of English. Good. Again dressed casual smart in a suit but with t-shirt and white trainers. Works the camera and moves around the stage. Good energy. No great energy! This is a competitor! Doesn’t need much in the sense of visuals as the song itself is more than enough… but then we know Eurovision doesn’t always award talent. (I was proven right in the end sadly).

Poland: Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life: Long haired guy with a pseudo-rocker look. Graham says he doesn’t like performing. I kind of wish Graham would hold off these comments of his until after the person has performed. (Actually it turns out Graham is correct as this guy doesn’t come across very well). So he is a guy in a circus owner’s long red coat with epaulettes. Black shirt, trousers and shoes. No socks. Another modern look that feels wrong as people would be mocked for short trousers and this look when I was a teenager. The song is lacklustre. He gesticulated a lot. There isn’t much to add really. Ooooh Ooooh Ohhhh. I see violinists but couldn’t hear them.

Australia: Dami Im – Sound Of Silence: I appreciate they watch it ‘down under’ and as a special celebration they let them compete last year but I don’t think they should be a permanent addition to the EUROPEAN song contest. Emigrated to Australia at 9 years old. Won their X-Factor or similar talent show. Stong singing voice. Sat on a glittery box in a dress I would expect to see on a pre-teen beauty queen pageant contestant in America. The way she is sat on the box reminds me of Kermit the frog and any other muppets… The song is good. This is a strong competitor and I wouldn’t have been surprised to see this on another show. Serious competitor despite my views on who should or shouldn’t be allowed to compete.

Cyprus: Minus One – Alter Ego: Band performs in cages. Weird… oh wait they are a rock band so it’s okay. Vocalist has a bit of a whine in his voice so I’m not impressed. Lots of seizure inducing flashing. The song isn’t great as a rock song and as an Eurovision entry is generic. They wear black as shirts, leather jackets and such. Dry ice smoke. Graham should have warned about the light show on this entry even if he did the disclaimer at the start of the broadcast. I will be surprised if this rises above the bottom 5 ( and only then because of political voting). Fucking hell I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone didn’t get a headache from those lights let alone a seizure.

Serbia: Sanja Vučić ZAA – Goodbye (Shelter): Side shaved head again. Graham makes another critical but unfunny observation. Long black (leather?) dress with shoulder tassels and … whatever is happening on her hair fringe. Nice imagery. A dancer interacting with her for the songs narrative of her being a betrayed women standing up for herself. Nice visuals. The song would definitely do well under other circumstances. It reminds me of the late 90s – early 00s James Bond themes. I really like it although the song and visuals don’t really go together if I’m honest.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting for This Night: Competed before. Might remember him wearing a blindfold as his song was about ‘love being blind’. Has a mini trampoline this time. Side shaved head again. The ‘black t-shirt, black skinny jeans and trainers look that is popular coupled with a white leather jacket. The song is generic ‘I’ve been waiting for this night (to have another go at competing in Eurovision)’. Visuals are… ok. Someone heard the other competitors were going to use it so they made generic splashes and … oh! There was the mini trampoline and dry ice making his jacket disappear! Well that was the ‘hook’ of this performance otherwise… bland as hell.

Croatia: Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse: Partially shaved heads are on trend right now then obviously. Half shaved heads for the girls and the skinny jeans and t-shirt with designer trainers for the boys. Graham comments her dress is too big for her as if she lost weight – he should have saved it for after we saw the poncho dress to get the joke. Her hair is awful. Like someone bought a white widow’s peak wig and put it on wrong but didn’t adjust it. Interesting cape/poncho. Then underneath she has a very art deco dress with extravagant arm wings which are mirrored bits on one side and lavender feathers on the opposite side. Dame Edna has had her wardrobe raided I guess. The song… she sounds off-key. Backing singers/dancers are like cult members preparing for a sacrifice. This is a stereotypical Eurovision entry. I will be shocked it gets a big numbers of votes.

Russia: Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One: Bookies favourite apparently. Had to speak out against his homeland to please voters which really feels like he is going to cause himself trouble once back home. Dressed in black. Using the back screen to full effect for wings and storm effects. Backing singer/dancers appear. Very visually impressive. Definitely Graham’s description of him going on a charm offensive wasn’t inappropriate. Then sat on the screen… climbed as its made of rubber so he could dig his feet into it. They’ve really pulled out all the stops for this. The song is very anthemic and immediately pleasing. No wonder this is the favourite its a near masterclass on combining the best parts of the previous few years’ winners.

Spain: Barei – Say Yay! Apparently her fall is intentional in the middle. Graham is ruining the performances by alerting us to these aspects. (Actually the lights cut out and she is laying sideways, as if on a chez longe, on the floor). He has seen them during the preliminaries but we haven’t! It ruins the expereince for people who just watch the final. Very attractive features. Her hair… guess the style- except she brush it in the opposite direction to the other competitors. She has a sparkly mini dress on and pixie boots. Also gauntlet like jewellery on her left arm. Very good song! Extremely energetic performance and song. Gets the audience involved too! Works the stage wonderfully. It has definitely been affected by being placed directly after Russia’s song but this is certainly up there and deserves a lot of votes.

Latvia: Justs – Heartbeat: Similar to other male competitors he wears the fashionable uniform but with cut out knee slits and a black leather jacket. It’s… not great if I am honest. Subdued performance. He puts emphasis in certain parts but the electronica instrumental doesn’t justify it. This is the sort of song I imagine being played towards the end of the night when the nightclubs want people to leave. Maybe girls will vote for him as he is attractive in a Chris Hemsworth way.

Ukraine: Jamala – 1944: Grandmother was deported by Stalin. Denies the song is anything to do with Russia. ~cough~sure~cough~. Will get votes for its political commentary. Dress is a navy off the shoulder with long arm ‘wings’ piece. Very good song with traditional tones but electronic drum beat. Reminds me of a lot of 80s alternative songs or maybe 90s stuff like Moloko. The lights are red and therefore the focus is completely on her and its a very good performance. A Eurovision winner – we will have to see but I would listen to it again definitely which is more than I can say for most of these songs. I think the only one I listened to again from last year was Georgia’s entry ‘Warrior’. Didn’t sing in English which is a bonus to me. Good entry. (Was the winner in the end).

Malta: Ira Losco – Walk On Water: Was in it 2002 or 2012 before apparently. She is pregnant. Filmed smoke effects to open into it. Then an art deco corridor effect behind her. sequined dress. Lots of cleavage and slit to the thigh dress to expose a leg to get male voters onside. Then a dancer erupts from nowhere and disappears just as fast. The song… it’s okay. Nothing special in the context of the competition. Might get a bit of radio play as one of those songs people half remember and request on Sunday afternoon shows. An also ran entry. Might have done better in past years but the Eurovision has begun to shift to more modern tastes after years of stagnancy.

Georgia: Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold: Rock show lighting show with a mirroring effect. Wearing modern fashion in blacks and greys with wide-brimmed hats. Decent rock song. Eurovision tends to prefer spectacle though so while I would definitely listen to this again although it isn’t going to do neither good nor bad vote wise on the day. Then the epilepsy light show occurs. Again, thanks for the timely warning Graham. Also thanks for saying it felt overly long… I felt it passed very quickly. Personal tastes of course but he isn’t funny like Terry Wogan was and I think he is all too aware of it.

Austria: ZOË – Loin d’ici: Sings in French. Has a pastel pink ’16 year olds special day’ type dress on with a single strand wire tiara you can barely see. A gentle use of the wind machine. Pop dance song with violins. Enjoyable. Forgettable. Inoffensive. Will be used in a clip show edit to show this year’s competitors. I probably would enjoy other songs by her but this feels a bit too muted compared to other competitors this year.

United Kingdom: Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone: Intro features football and rugby because we British handed in our ‘part of globally significant arts’ card a long time ago apparently. And smoke flares. We clearly pissed off someone at a sports match with drunken louts who the travelled to Stockholm… Two young guys so they’ll get girls’ votes. Dressed in the fashion uniform of this year. The song is quite ‘radio play on a Sunday’… It’s inoffensive. Oh fuck – we are going to be in the bottom three again aren’t we? I can already tell. Fuck. I can see the tabloids using this as a weak argument for ‘Brexit’ (Britain exiting the European Union). Decent performance but the other competitor’s came to compete and win – not just take part.

Armenia: Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave: Last entry. Last entries have won before so not saying bad but you can bet it will be one of the good ones as they want to end on a high when some turn over preferring not to watch the voting etc. OOOOH ATTRACTIVE! the lights and pyrotechnics have clearly been invested in. the dry ice smoke too. She is wearing a sparkly black opaque leotard with ‘butt cape’. Dirty old man vote winner of the night. The song is good and changes tone well unlike most of the one note songs tonight. Didn’t quite hit that high note at the end. Shame as a bit more polish and it would have been a serious contender.

Vote time: It was good. I think it is clear who the top ones are going to be. Of course now we have the presenters banter… Oh and she has a green dress on now. It looks terrible. I hope she was forced to wear in. Weird 70s crepe shoulder flower ruffles thing and the ‘skirt’, beneath a narrow silver ‘belt’ is a sparkly abomination like something dredged up from the deep. So they show Ian McKellen and Derrick Jacobi from a scene in that rubbish ITV show they did… which was random. Some come across better in the voting snippets than they did during the full performance and some come across worse as I notice the Czech entry awkwardly hit her top note apparently.

Hungary, Russia and maybe Spain are my ‘top three’ likely to win at the moment. I wish Bulgaria, Italy or Spain would win though. Australia will do well I have no doubt and Armenia deserve a good number of votes. Poland, Latvia, Croatia or Lithuania getting large numbers of votes will surprise me.

Justin Timberlake turns up in the green room because… just because. Oh promoting a film. Nice that we can’t have even one evening where America isn’t involved in any sense. Oh and he is going to sing 2 songs. Great. Bulgaria’s entrant is hovering around in the background. Okay she is winning me over since her outfit is far better than the presenters dress.
Then we get some VTs and such in a supercut of various moments in Swedish musical history and music videos by a guy who did a Madonna video. I will be fair it was entertaining as I recognised many of the songs. IT EVEN HAD PAPA EMERITUS FROM GHOST IN IT! I’m won over!

Then Justin Timberlake. Rock your body. Of course with more backing singers, a more tightly choreographed routine. Inevitably it blows everything else out of the water. Yes please remind us America does it bigger and better. There was talk of letting them compete in Eurovision. I hope it was just a rumour because we all know they are going to go whole hog into winning year on yea until Eurovision becomes amalgamated and just like every other homogenized American product we consume day on day. Nothing against Justin personally as he is very good but I just get a bad taste over the entire matter. Then again Britain has pulled out the stops dragging in international singers in a few years recently so I shouldn’t be overly critical. People joked they wanted to vote for the American entry. Be careful what you wish for…

Malta won the Junior Eurovision. The winner comes on stage promoting the Junior Eurovision. That’s nice as she seemed a little nervous but then many performers come across like that once the stage persona is
Petra chides her boy toy for interrupting her. Now she is wearing an elegant gothy lace and satin dress which is far better than the previous ones. Then they do a run down of ‘things to have to win’ sketch.

Humour can be very awkward but this was actually quite amusing in inoffensive. Oh they got the violin guy back! Then they did the costume change and she has a Shakira like style on ut the top is a one piece with skin tone which makes her look worse than ever! Like some one in their 50s trying to dress how they did as a 19 year old! I am wondering what her actual age is as I;m guessing the way she has been styled tonight has made her look far older than her actual age. Then they do a song which was good. She lets her hair down while he shows off his chest and lots of dancers with very different styles referencing previous entries get on stage. a Very impressive filler while all the voting is going on. Good for them.

Then they have a comedian, Lynda Woodruff, some on as a representative of the EBU while they go off for a costume change. Really falling flat answering some emailed questions. Then she crowd surfs off back into obscurity. Guy is back in open collared shirt and suit. Then a bit of bragging over how often they’ve won on a VT about Sweden’s achievements.

It’s self-deprecating however so they get away with it as they say Eurovision influences their foreign language lessons, gangs, religion, etc.

Petra returns in a flowing Dame Edna Everage dress… Sparkly with a mix of pink raw flesh tones. Like someone who got thrown through a window in the middle of the day into a bottle bank. She introduces the previous winner who does a very ‘Hugh Jackman at an award ceremony’ like performance.

The song ‘Heroes’ still holds up no question. In fact I could argue that putting this year’s winner up next to it will probably make this year look like a step down from last year in terms of quality unfortunately – certainly the fact so many acts adopted his use of back projected imagery proves how effective the entire performance was.

So national votes and televotes are presented separately. How you vote doesn’t change just how they present it. 50% from the voting boards and 50% from the public.

The vote announcers of each country always comes across strained and extremely false in their joy… and straight off the bat Australia got 12 points! Then a guy holding a dog. Oh right so they just say who got the 12 points from each country. I can live with them doing that I guess though it’s a bit less fun than the minute or so of build up for the big numbers. San Marino gave use 8 points. Czech Republic gave us 4. So far we are not doing bad this year which is encouraging. Ireland gave us 7 points. Georgia phwoar lady from last year! 🙂 Gave us nothing though… Bosnia and Herzevogina gave us nothing. I’m going to assume we just had a nice start. Malta gave us 12 points!!!! But that was a political vote if we are honest. Spain gave us nothing. (I should be noting who is giving who 12 points so will do that next year for those interested – oh except they put up a video on YouTube of the entire votes process so no need). Finland gives awkward banter and no points to us though 12 to their neighbour Sweden obviously. Switzerland gave us nothing. Denmark gave us three. France gave us nothing… obviously ;p Moldova lady is very Hello Nurse! Ash blonde, red lips and in a suit and they gave us nothing. Armenia had a connection issue and gave us nothing. Votes seem quite spread this year although Ukraine is getting quite a few. (So ironically even this new style of voting though much closer in its first year of use gave away the final winner early). Cyprus gave us nothing – the guy looks like a sweet shop owner. Bulgaria lady is hello brunette in off shoulder jacket dress and again we get no points. (admit you are enjoying this repetition in the abscence of there being no chance of anyone being ‘nul points’ -nil pwa- this year). The Netherlands give us nothing and their lady wears a jacket with random bits of kryptonite stuck on to ward off Superman. Latvia has a basement dwelling man-child stereotype give the vote and we get no points.

Israel are missing in action so Petra has to buy some time. ‘we are half way through’. Yeah whatever. Her boy toy is in the green room wearing a black shirt and trousers with a white blazer. Are the fascist fashion police on patrol tonight or something? This uniform for men I joked about is a bit too adhered to… Australia is in the lead. It reminds me of Britain’s Got Talent where it’s acts from other countries doing well not our own acts.

Ukrainian lady seems a little drunk or overwhelmed.

Israel sort their side out and we get nothing after the guy uses a little Swedish to flatter Petra. Belarus give us nothing but of course give Russia their 12 points because after all Belarus is beautiful Russia. Germany have their presenter in front of a crowd and give us nothing but emo Israel 12. Russia PHWOAR weird ‘parcel wrapped’ red dress and we get nothing. Norway has their 1985 winner give the vote who give us nothing nor anything to Sweden surprisingly. Australia give us 4 points from an anorexic Asian news presenter with a weird weaved neck ruffle thing. Belgium has a… humpty dumpty brought to life guy give us nothing but Australia 12. UK has Richard Osman give the vote. Nothing for us obviously. We gave Georgia 12 interestingly – its girls voting for a boy band obviously. Croatia has an attractive middle-aged voter giving us nothing but Australia 12 points. Greece has a well-groomed young guy making ladies’ hearts flutter and 12 points to Russia. Lithuania blonde in sparkly white dress and red lips gives us nothing but Australia 12 points. Serbia gave us 2 Points. Very attractive side swiped brunette haired lady in white dress voter. Australia has clearly won its obvious and the new points displaying thing has failed to keep tension. (I was wrong fortunately). FYR Macedonia gives nothing to us and 12 to Ukraine. Albania gave us 5 points and 12 to Australia. Estonia gave us 3 points and 12 to Sweden. Ukraine – WTF mix of traditional dress and the soviet star from the top of the Kremlin… I remember that person. We got no votes and 12 points went to Lithuania. Italy sexy lady, obviously, in a simple red dress giving nothing to us and 12 to Spain. Poland give us nothing and 12 to Ukraine. Slovenia – HELLO! Red hair and leather dress. We got nothing and 12 went to Ukraine. Hungary has a blonde in a yellow dress/coat. Nothing to us and 12 to Australia. Montenegro guy looks like he just walked in off the street and doesn’t speak English as all the others did. Nothing to us but 12 to Malta surprisingly. Sweden’s vote from a Kim Kardashian wannabe in a weird formal dress with cleavage window and sparkles in the shoulder, groin and arm areas like armour. Nothing to us and 12 to Australia.

If Australia win they will partner with an EU member and host it in their country… so that scuppers everyone’s idea of having a jaunt down under next year then. If they partner with anyone but the UK it’ll be a slap in the face of the commonwealth.

And so they move to the popular vote i.e. tele-votes.

Yeah Australia are around 100 points ahead.

*drum roll*

Six lowest voted for countries: 0 to the Czech Republic. 8 to the UK. 10 to Germany. 10 to Spain. 11 to Israel. 16 to Malta. 24 to Georgia. 33 to Croatia. 34 to italy. 39 to the Netherlands. 51 to Belgium. 53 to Cyprus. 56 to Hungary. 63 to Latvia. 73 Azerbaijan. 80 to Serbia.

63 points to the UK in total this year.We have done worse recently so this is a good result despite what the media will no doubt say.

Ten highest voted for countries: 96 points to Lithuania. 109 points to France. 120 points to Austria (which skyrocketed them up the chart). 134 points to Armenia (ditto skyrocket). 139 points to Sweden (ditto but cannot win). 180 points to Bulgaria (ditto skyrocket to second place so far).

Poland, Australia, Ukraine and Russia still need numbers.

Dramatic long pause.

191 points to Australia. So they win with 511 points possibly.

Russia, Ukraine and Poland left.

222 points to Poland. but only to fifth place at this point. went from the bottom to that.

Shocking.

Russia and Ukraine are left now. Kind of ironic considering recent events.

323 points to Ukraine. May very well have won.

So Russia got the most tele-votes. Who got 361 points. So he hasn’t done it.

Ukraine, Australia and Russia.

Russia 3rd place
Australia 2nd place
Ukraine 1st place

(We gave 10 points to Poland in the tele-vote apparently. It must have been patriotic immigrants who voted).

Well I’m glad Australia didn’t win just because of the power it gives them to decide who to partner with to host it next year.

Ukraine winning is a political statement I feel due to the, admittedly denied, implications of the song. It’s a very good song but clearly with this and Conchita Wurst it’s ‘pan-European sociopolitical statement’ entrants who win ultimately. The voting system revision did make it a bit more exciting and concise I will admit so that is a positive move forward for the contest as in previous years the voting seemed to drag on indefinitely.


It’s a shame I can’t embed a link of the condescending tone of the reporter, Nick Higham, on the BBC news immediately after the show coverage ended. He was hilarious and instantly punchable in the face due to his attitude and trite comments about things such as how cheesy it was and the Ukrainian entry adding ‘a well needed tone of seriousness’ as it referenced the ethnic cleansing during Stalin’s era. He obviously didn’t want to cover the event but was forced into it just like the current royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell. Actually add in the political lead Nick Robinson and it seems the BBC are partial to arrogant correspondents named Nicholas at the moment…

Well that was fun. I hope you’ve enjoyed. Comment, Like, follow – all are welcome. That’s all until next year when America is let in as a guest entry with a view to becoming a permanent fixture take care!

Eurovision Song Contest 2015

I have posted videos of each entrant, in order of performance, during the grand finale with my own comments as I was watching the programme live. In the end it seemed far more earnest this year and therefore less fun. It comes across as if the acts are trying to promote their own career to a wider international audience, which would happen anyway, than providing an enjoyable performance. There were far less ‘fun’ acts than in any previous years I can remember – perhaps because with the advent of the internet and digital downloads having an international career is far more possible compared to previous generations.

1-Slovenia: Maraaya: Here For You: Good upbeat song but the wind machine blowing her overly stiff hair and the unintentionally sinister diamond armed dancer were not necessary.

2 France – Lisa Angell: N’oubliez Pas: Bleak. Reminded me of ‘downer’ bad ending credits for some computer games if you made bad choices or even ones where it’s a sad end as the hero died but the future now holds hope thanks to their noble sacrifice. A good song but not something that will do well at Eurovision.

3 Israel: Nadav Guedj: Golden Boy: It sounded like an out of tune 90s boy band and although the production was good it fell flat for me.

4 Estonia: Elina Born & Stig Rästa: Goodbye To Yesterday: The singing was really good and I liked it immensely. I noted she even shed a tear while singing. Staged or not that was a nice detail. I would actually like to hear more from them.

5 UK: Electro Velvet: Still In Love With You: Nice upbeat 1920s style electro-swing piece and the neon clothing light effects in the ultraviolet light went really well. We are not going to win but at least we are showing we can be original and give people something to remember without being ridiculous. Ironically considering how often Terry Wogan complained about the cheesiness in the past we are the cheesy novelty entry this year it feels like in retrospect. But it was fun and we are improving year on year since the disapproval after the Middle East conflict…


6 Armenia: Genealogy: Face The Shadow: an awkward mix of voices with a clock theme throughout the performance. They didn’t seem to harmonise and it seems like a catastrophe for them on the night and rather awkward from an audience perspective as they didn’t gel as a group. I think one of them was from Wales as it was made up from people of Armenian ancestry from around Europe internally selected by the Public Television of Armenia to sing Face The Shadow, a “powerful anthem about peace, unity, and love”

7 Lithuania: Monika Linkytė and Vaidas Baumila: This Time: Good fun and energy. Potential winner? A good duet nonetheless. Lithuania initially wanted a solo entry to represent them in the contest, but double act Monika Linkytė and Vaidas Baumila won over both TV viewers and the professional jury with their duet.

8 Serbia : Bojana Stamenov: Beauty Never Lies: Good song. Very fat girl. Can tell from her face she would be very attractive if she got her weight under control. Sadly she starts screaming and there is a euro electro-disco part towards the end which ruins it. One male dancer has the beard and topknot look which is popular amongst hipsters right now. She beat two other candidates in the Serbian national selection, but Bojana Stamenov isn’t just a powerful voice – she’s also deft hand at knitting and cooking… She ate them and will become a crazy cat lady after the show.

9 Norway: Mørland & Debrah Scarlett: A Monster Like Me: Good mellow toned song however the singers seem to be off key at the start possibly. He warbles while she croons. It’s a very nice song and the further they go the better it gets but those opening moments…

10 Sweden: Måns Zelmerlöw: Heroes: Pop with electro folk: Very nice front projection effects. The bookies favourite and to be honest mine too at this stage in the contest it blows everything else out of the water.

11 Cyprus: John Karriyannis: One Thing I Should Have Done: Classic pop love song effort. The sort of thing you wouldn’t mind on the radio on a Sunday afternoon but nothing that stands out.

12 Australia: Guy Sabastian: Tonight Again: Upbeat modern pop song clearly having fun and unpressured. Obviously not going to win but hopefully they have enjoyed the event.

13 Belgium: Loïc Nottet: Rhythm Inside: slow, hipster influenced, modern pop song: I like it but many people probably won’t remember it tomorrow.

14 Austria: The Makemakes: I Am Yours: Slow start but a classic song you could imagine from previous years of Eurovision and you would want to know the name of. Setting the inside of the Piano on fire adds nothing to the perfornance as its not as if he is playing it so frantically the strings sponaniously ignite in a cartoonish style. The host nation always hobbles themselves however as I doubt anyone wants to host it a few years on the trot.. It became dull towards the end.

15 Greece: Maria Elena Ktriakou: One Last Breathe: classic Eurovision song style of grandiose pop music. Not much to say really. Good effort but nothing to grab peoples votes.

16 Montenegro: Knez: Adio: enjoyable. At least they are not singing in English… it has an element of Montenegro’s musical culture in it. This is how it should be i.e. representing your nation not trying to be all things to all people. Not going to win but respectable.

17 Germany: Ann Sophie: Black Smoke: R&B influenced as many seem to be this year in tone. Good but no doubt forgettable. She stepped in at the last moment as the one who was going to do it decided not to in the end. Good on her for doing this and you wouldn’t know about the change.

18 Poland: Monika Kuszyńska: In The Name Of Love: Last year it was Donatan & Cleo – ‘My Słowianie – We Are Slavic’ giving us the message hot blooded Slavic girls are the best in every way and do everything the best (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, get the dirty old man vote) with busty ‘milk churning’ milkmaid for those who don’t understand the lyrics to get the message of what they are saying. This year they have a singer in a wheelchair…Poland must love making everyone feel awkward. They are trolling the contest. There is no other explaination for these acts. I wonder how they will upstage this entry – a choir of children with learning difficulties, a quadriplegic playing the mouth organ and a dance troop of Alzheimer’s afflicted old age octogenarians next year? I really want to believe Poland, like Britain, don’t take the contest seriously, but they actually actually send in entries to mess with voters rather than just moan in the commentary. Last year it was the ‘dad’ vote, this year the ‘if you don’t vote for us its discrimination against the diabled’ moral guilt vote. That aside it is a good song with the uprising anthemic quality you expect of Eurovision entries. “Monika Kuszyńska brings with her a strong Eurovision message: she wants to “to build the bridge of tolerance in the name of love” with her performance” – i.e. Poland want to see how far they can push it before being kicked out by pretending they don’t know its trolling.

19 Latvia: Aminata: Love Injected: the classic Eurovision singer with an ‘overly extravagant dress’. Nice designs flashing in the background. Generic Eurovision entry. A wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. One of the definitive ‘also ran’ entries of this year. The song title is indeed either poor english or a very dark suggestion of what the song is really about.

20 Romania: Voltaj: De La Capat/ All Over Again: A lot of the songs have this echoing anthemic thing going on this year. Again credit due to them as they don’t sing in English. Don’t know about the monochrome look… Has a sort of ‘song you hear on an advert’ quality meant to be inspirational in those 30 seconds they play it’s chorus but you get sick of it after a while and people still remember the song years later with distain. Oh there is a bit of English… well that’s okay I guess thoguh everyone singing in English seems disingenuous.

21 Spain: Edurne: Amanecer: She is Manchester United’s Goalkeeper’s girlfriend apparently – Nice visuals. Sung in Spanish. I could see this winning. The dancer/stagehand in the dark holding her cloak, pretending to be the wind and pull the cloak off, is obviously there despite their staging efforts. Then there is the reveal of the ‘classic leg revealing’ dress. Then there is a bit of dancing in an instrumental part just to keep the energy going which is a good mix between static and dynamic aspects to give a rounded performance. Spain are obviously going all out to win this year. Really working the crowd well and got a good reception.

22 Hungary: Boggie: Wars For Nothing: Serious message time. This will be sung over a video of starving war torn communities during a charity video. It’s a really sharp change in tone from the Spanish song entry. Its good but would have been better placed after one of the more subdued earlier entries. Austria decided the running order and no doubt knew the reaction this would get after the previous song. I’m not saying anything suspicious was happening just that you would never put these songs together if you had any sense… also to English speakers Boggie is just a hilarious name in contrast to the song’s serious message sadly. A moral victor raising issues but will go nowhere in the votes.

23 Georgia: Nina Sublatti: Warrior: Rock chick entry. Smoke screen and the heavy flashing effects are obscuring her on stage. Gothy warrior look – 🙂 phwoar! (I’ve been watching a lot of early 90s music videos so this look is kind of fixed in my head at the moment as a very appealing look) This more energetic song could have done with backing dancers as the staging seems a bit too bare with just her there obscured by the dry ice smoke. If not for that then this would have been the song and performance I would personally consider song of the night though it wouldn’t win (I mean it’s not as impressive as when Lordi entered and won – which makes me think they may have been a quasi-joke entry except they really went for it and won everyone over which they richly deserved). Warrior is the sort of energetic song I can imagine being the theme song to an action adventure series. Another person whose works I will be checking out. Actually singing in English which I didn’t realise initially.

24 Azerbaijan: Elnur Huseynov: Hour Of The Wolf: A very nice slower song and the ballet dancers were very good. It will be forgotten as its very ‘now’ however. A very ‘American pop singer going solo’ style song.

25 Russia: Polina Gagarina: A Million Voices: Going for the victory hard. Anthemic drum beat call to alms (yes not ‘arms’ – its wordsplay… I have explained the joke and it now lies dead like a dissected frog on a lab table), with a refrain and choral section. The drummer does look like Andrew WK pre-nosebleed however. Excellent song. No one stands a chance. If it doesn’t win it will be top three at the very least. They definitely put a lot of work into it although people like a bit of a show too so the all-white look might not work too well to get everyone’s votes). It’ll be interesting to see how Ukraine votes in regards to them considering they were always [12 points] block voting for each other in the past. Russia women always seem to have a lot of beauty marks on their skin in contrast to other countries – maybe its just they don’t cover them up with foundation, etc, makeup… She looks a bit like a more ‘Welsh’ version of Katherine Jenkins (who of course is Welsh but not ethnically ‘crab face’ Welsh i.e. small, squared, jawline and chin).

26 Albania: Elhaida Dani: I’m Alive: Already screwed before they began due to Russia’s absolute winning over of the audience. It’s very nice with a slower lead in. Absolute cleavage with a masking screen. It’s a very good song and if the running order was different it would have stood a better chance but it seems Austria has made the running order bottom heavy with all the impressive ones towards the end.

27 Italy: Il Volo: Grande Amore: Boy band look – apparently pop opera band. Ladykillers. Was a very good song I would like to hear again. Being the last probably means they are dead in the water sadly. They could easily win it though as they were very distinct should people not overlook them.

‘Voting time’ entertainment: Orchestras, male voice and female voice choirs, people whose heads were bridges (as if someone played Silent Hill 2 and got ideas…). The venue was ‘green’ i.e. in a big tent. Actually went really well on the night although if it rained it would go down in the history of the contest as one of the bad venues. I wonder if they destroyed the rain clouds by scattering silver into them as you can do if need be. Then they have a thirteen year old boy sing acapella. The traditional visit to the greenroom where you just know some acts have gone back and drunk as much as they can with some assurance they won’t have to perform, in the unlikely event they win, because there is no chance. Conchita Wurst featured far more this year than past winners were featured previously. Yes you have bearded woman Austria, yes she won the contest but she isn’t a great presenter so stop milking her.

Votes: Always the slow bit where the commentators complain about the block voting… I can’t be bothered to edit this bit so it may come across as quite cruel but then if you haven’t ever heard the British commentaries by Terry Wogan (who once called two presenters Dr Death and his assistant) or Graham Norton then I assure you I am being nice. HA ha ha one of them disappeared from technical faults so the presenters had to come back to them later. Russia are getting a lot of cheers until they are in the lead then there’s the drone of boos. (To be honest at least it’s not automatically boos like leaving housemates get on the British edition of Big Brother…) Moldova score giver has a very 1970s star trek parody porn star look… Russia/Italy/Sweden are in a three horse race for victory when we are only 8 of 40 countries into the running… the hosts remind everyone that tonight is about the music not politics regarding Russia being booed – which would have been nice if the hosts years ago said that in defence of the UK when there was the Middle East Conflict but then we didn’t get one vote and as Oscar Wilde once said “There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about”. Estonia vote announcer phwoar extravagant necklace but link went down. Wow Austria’s technical side is terrible with all these connection issues… Armenia vote announcer phwoar… Sweden Announcer looked like she escaped from a 1970s sci-fi series… Germany’s vote announcer looks like the opera diva from the adventures of Tintin… I notice Conchita Wurst is sat with the Russian group to ensure getting more screen time… Australia announcer is an anorexic lady of East Asian descent… COVER YOUR ARMS… Oh, Wurst is there to do the midway interview… Polina speaks very good English (I mean I assume she is Russian and not just representing them as other countries have done in the past coughEnglbertHumperdickcoughCelineDioncough)… Spain phwoar nice dress with Moroccan kind of panel patterning… Austria cutesy dorky face… Macedonia gave Albania 12 points and they didn’t cheer or thank them which is poor sportsmanship (althoguh they may not have known the cameras were on them admittedly)… Slovenia votes announcer loos like if Celine Dion dressed up as 1970-80s Cher … Hungary’s vote announcer has the loo of a middle aged mother of two ‘on a night out with her girlfriends and has done her hair and makeup’… UK announcer Nigella Lawson looks like a privileged twit with a broach over her major selling points but does the votes in foreign languages which was nice gesture. She still just seems to ‘be there’ and do very little nowadays… Georgia’s vote announcer has a 1980s lead vocalist look – AND THEY LOST HER… Lithuania’s vote announcer is mid-twenties to early thirties but styling herself as a cutesy tween and looks a little creepy with the clawed hands… Netherlands’ vote announcer dress looks bad with ultra-ultimate cleavage down to crotch with exposed spanks on the lower half as if she had the same dress as Albania’s singer and had to adjust it quickly… Poland’s vote announcer phwoar flower ring crown and showing the cleavage – Graham Norton noted she was the milkmaid from last year’s Polish entry so apparently he can recognise that cleavage anywhere (he is gay for those who don’t know who he is and does the commentary for Eurovision now Terry Wogan retired a few years ago)… She’s obviously making sure people don’t forget about last year’s entry although her face is a bit sharply featured it seems due to how she did her makeup or she had a really disturbingly severe face lift… Sweden now pull ahead of Russia and look like they may become runaway leaders… Russia announcer is Dmitri Shepelev with Action Man Eagle Eyes feature tries to joke about giving Russia 12 points and it didn’t go down well though he seemed nice… San Marino vote announcer showing the cleavage off with a low neckline lace dress and low hanging necklace… At this point it is clear Sweden has won but we still have a countries left… Iceland vote announcer her arms look as thick as her waist which is really disturbing though it’s because of dark panels on the sides of her dress… then the German commentator invades Graham Norton’s coverage and he doesn’t know why… Sweden is announced the winners though there were a few more countries left and ones they had skipped… Norway vote announcer has liquorice sweets patterned shoulder pads tried to joke falling off screen but fails and told to hurry up since the results are obvious and everyone wants to go home now… Portugal vote announcer phwoar though shiny skin and pastel pink dotted dress make her look like a Barbie wannabee… Estonia vote announcer Tanja phwoar with nice necklace most women would want… Georgia vote announcer Natia Bunturi phwoar with the 1980s band lead vocalist look… Yes these vote announcing bits are boring and have bad attempts at humour…

TL;DR: Sweden won with 300+ points though it was a close run thing with Russia up until the end and Italy just behind them. United Kingdom got 5 points ultimately. This year’s winner is given a crystal microphone.

The entrants have been taking it far too seriously the past couple of years and the show is no longer fun, the spectacle of the extravagantly staged performances isn’t as wonderful and eclectic as it once was in past years. Either you have the classic songs, the modern songs or the ‘sod it its not like we will win’ songs nowadays. Austria really messed up the international connections repeatedly and it really won’t be forgotten by the organisers in future so hopefully they will review what happened and ensure it doesn’t occur again as such faults should be a thing of the past.


Comment, Like, Follow – All are Welcome 🙂

I will tidy this entry up when the chance arises in the next few days but thought it best to just put the initial version up now. (Did that and can’t be bothered to alter it any further now)… Yes I use phwoar alot recently… I did a lot in the ‘Far From The Madding Crowd’ review too… Go read more of my stuff if you like.

The British General Election Process 2015

So it’s that time again…

This year Facebook lets you put a thing on your page to say ‘yes I’m a voter’. That just seems like such a needlessly arrogant thing to have. Not because you have exercised your civic right, if not duty, but that in posting this are you not casting judgement on those who have not? Some are not eligible and it seems damning to demean them with your morally onanistic self-regard.

But then again there are those who could have voted but chose not to often for ridiculous reasons including, but not exclusively: Someone told me not to as a protest e.g. Russell Brand which is no different than political apathy as an act due to the same result; ‘they’re all the same’ – which leads to extreme far right parties getting power as they did in France; ‘couldn’t be bothered’ – deserve whatever the socio-political results are for them due to their apathy. Yet no doubt these self declared vox populi are the same people who will be down the pub later loudly condemning the government for their actions and having an opinion on everything declaring ‘if I ran things it would be different!’ But they don’t because they couldn’t even take the most basic political step of voting let alone running for political positions. The only way they would have power is through force and is the practise of tyranny so perhaps its best these people stay away from politics and accept what more, hopefully, level headed people have voted for.

The British voting process in brief step-by-step:

  1. Walk to the Scout’s Hall nearby… There are a lot of polling stations around the county and you could have voted by post if you notified them with enough warning. (You should look up some of the odd places they use due to a lack of suitable public places available).
  2. Give the card with my voting details on it to a staff member… I don’t have to – It says so on the card you don’t have to present it. They don’t check your ID. You could be anyone as long as you had a name of a local resident and got there before them. I took the card and they took it from me… so is it required or not? They check it. Still no proof you are who you say you are… well except I know one of the polling staff so they may acknowledge the name and face don’t match.
  3. (Take a moment to note the badly dog-eared doorstop sized novels lying next to a selection of gossip magazines and a few half eaten packets of biscuits.)
  4. They cross my name off the register… with a pen and ruler. It doesn’t seem the most sophisticated way of marking off who has voted.
  5. They give me a piece of paper with the candidates listed and say cross one box only… lest you spoil your vote and it is discarded.
  6. Go to the voting booth… i.e. a high table you stand at which has screens on it so no one can see what you are doing.
  7. Cross a box with a stubby pencil that really should be given a bit of a sharpening during the day… There must have been injuries in the past. Maybe they should replace it with a stamp or that ‘dented paper’ system that caused a lot of spoiled papers during USA elections when Dubya was given the presidency.
    Fold the paper… It feels pointless but I suppose it keeps anyone in the immediate vicinity seeing/guessing who you voted for.
  8. Put it in the ballot box… Probably need to shove it in a bit later on in the day as all the folded sheets will have unfurled inside thus filing the potential space.
  9. Leave… They say thanks, you say thanks, we all thank each other on participating in the political process (look at some of the children’s artwork which adorns the walls as I leave bright luminous things mixed with felt pvc glue stuck collages).
  10. (Back into the car park of the red brick Scouts Hall and a short walk back home…
  11. Bask in the self-righteous glow of having done your civic duty once more. Maybe watch the election night tv including channel 4’s alternative converage i.e. satirical comedy while BBC is serious and everyone else… are a mystery.

In the end the Conservative party won a majority which surprised many, Ed Balls quit as Labour leader, Nick Clegg quit as Lib Dem Leader in results which could easily make you think its the end of the Lib Dem party as they lost so many seats, Nigel Farrage stepped down as UKIP leader, the SNP dominated Scotland and took many seats and it was close run but there were no coalitions which seemed inevitable to commentators.

But of course what you want isn’t analysis but fun! You want interactivity!

Here is the Political Compass quiz to go do. It’s been around ten years now! It is lots of fun! Available in English, Spanish, Portuguese and German… you would think they would do at least one new language per year. Waste of potential market potential there unless other nations have their own version…
http://www.politicalcompass.org/

Here is Political Compass’ assessment of the parties for the UK’s 2015 General Election.
http://www.politicalcompass.org/uk2015

Get your friends to do it too and compare notes! Maybe (i.e. more than likely) you’ll have similar views but maybe, MAYBE, you will have completely contrasting views and get into a very heated debate a.k.a the stuff of dinner parties that started off oh so well until someone had one too many drinks. Oh the thrill of it is palpable… or not. At least it wouldn’t be as bad as this…


As for my own political views… well that is my business and not something that affects this blog 🙂

Comment, like or follow the blog – all are welcome.