What They Sell In Stores Nowadays by Daniil Kharms

Koratygin came to see Tikakeyev but did not find him at home.

Meanwhile, Tikakeyev was at the store buying sugar, meat and cucumbers. Koratygin milled around in Tikakeyev’s doorway and was about ready to write him a note when he saw Tikakeyev himself, carrying a plastic satchel in his hands. Koratygin saw Tikakeyev and yelled:

“And I’ve been waiting here for a whole hour!”

“That’s not true,” said Tikakeyev, “I’ve only been out 25 minutes.”

“Well that I don’t know,” said Koratygin, “but I’ve been here an hour, that much I do know.”

“Don’t lie,” said Tikakeyev, “It’s shameful.”

“My good sir,” said Koratygin, “you should use some discretion in choosing your words.”

“I think…,” started Tikakeyev, but Koratygin interrupted:

“If you think…,” he said, but then Tikakeyev interrupted Koratygin, saying:

“You’re one to talk!”

These words so enraged Koratygin that he pinched one nostril with his finger and blew his other nostril at Tikakeyev.

Then Tikakeyev snatched the biggest cucumber from his satchel and hit Koratygin over the head.

Koratygin clasped his hands to his head, fell over and died.

What big cucumbers they sell in stores nowadays!

 

by Даниил Иванович Хармс (Daniil Ivanovich Kharms)

a.k.a. Даниил Иванович Ювачёв (Daniil Ivanovich Yuvachov)

from Events

translated by Matvei Yankelevich

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